Everyone's Favorite Talk Show
by warrior4
Summary: Another Sue, another show. Kelaiah, Arawolf, Kayln, Rector, Kris, Aelin, Kit, and Minty all doing what they do best. All alter egos used with permission.
1. Chapter 1

A/N; _Okay let's see if I can get all the disclaimers right. The only alter ego I own is Rector. All others that appear here are the property of their owners and used by permission, except for Kayln Wordsmith, but storiewriter said she wanted to be in the next talk show fic and since I'm writing this and since I've let her borrow Rector (yes he was Eric at the time the name is changed get over it) I figured she wouldn't mind if Kayln made the next addition to the crew. Security badger Steve is kinda a joint ownership by me and LittlePsychoWolf. The Sue EmreldSnowflameShallowbrooke and the Suethor Brook Johnson are also my creations._

_Kelaiah is the property of Kelaiah. Arawolf Beechclaw is the property of LittlePsychoWolf. Kayln Wordsmith is the property of storiewriter. Kit is the property of __kitsune106. Minty is the property of Laburnum Steelfang. _

_Other things I don't own are OFUR. That masterpiece belongs to kitsune106 and Laburnum Steelfang. I don't own "Robin Hood; Men in Tights" or any of the other new sharp or exploding weapons from the History Channel show "In Search of Ancient Wonders" Redwall of course belongs to Brian Jacques. Gonflet's actions are also a great idea of Kelaiah. There is also a line from the "Man's Kitchen" episode of "Home Improvement" that I've always loved, which of course I don't own. And also just in case I don't own the term and/or trademark to Gumby. Also lastly and most importantly the "Redwall talk show" format used here is the creation of Kelaiah. I've just been given permission to use it so Kel can work on updating his other fics. I also don't own the Otherpath theory. Any reference to Gollum or LOTR is also not owned by me. I-phone is the property of Apple though I wish I could own the rights to something as cool and money making as that. College loan bills are expensive. 12 foot golden Sue swords are the brainchild of PsychoWolf from her fic "Arawolf Beechclaw; Sueslayer Extroudiaire."_

_That should be everything. If I left anything out I'm sorry please don't be mad. If you're wondering how all that fits in together you should be in for a treat. It's taken me almost three days to get all the ideas cemented in and alter ego permissions granted. It's also my first stab at humor/parody. I hope you like it. _

* * *

In the studio Green Room three teenage fan fiction alter egos were enjoying a healthy lunch. That is if healthy meant every kind of junk food available from both the Redwall kitchens and any modern supermarket or fast food joint. An average looking grey furred female squirrel that had only recently joined the crew was arguing with the teenage female pine marten stage manager. 

"I still don't see why I couldn't have had a guillotine on that Valentines Day trip," grumbled Arawolf Beechclaw.

The squirrel, Kayln Wordsmith by name, rolled her eyes at the complaint which had been spoken at least three times a day since the successful return from the Otherpaths. "We told you it was too big, heavy, and cumbersome to carry around. Could you imagine trying to sneak up on Sue's toting a monstrosity like that?"

The pine marten was about to continue the argument when a rather loud _splat_ echoed through the room. Looking over to their companion they were met with a comical sight. Kelaiah the skinny, square spectacle wearing teenage ferret had until recently been cramming as much junk food as he could fit, into his muzzle. All around the ferret were tacos, cheeseburgers, French fries, ten kinds of potato chips, hot dogs, and sodas from the real world. Also on the table were some of the most sought after sweets from the Redwall kitchens including; Honey Moles, RedCurrantWall cake, damson pudding topped with sweet cream, flagons of strawberry fizz, along with mounds of turnovers of every berry and fruit variety. Due to a recent upsurge in popularity (that did nothing to deflate his ego) the ferret had been onstage in both Redwall judging a beauty contest and in his own studio trying to deal with the menace that is the Mary Sue. As a result the ferret was rather famished and had literally dived onto the table to start pigging out when he had seen it. Unfortunately, and as can be expected, Kelaiah was also rather exhausted from all the running around especially during the time of year he called the "dulldrums." After downing only three greasy tacos, two cheeseburgers, one 2 liter of cola, and five Honey Moles (but for some reason he still stayed just as skinny as ever) weariness overcame his hunger and he fell face first into the piece of RedCurrantWall Cake he had just cut for himself.

Arawolf and Kayln instantly forgot about their argument and grinned evilly at each other.

"Do you think he's really out of it?" Ara asked while poking Kelaiah with a stage prop.

"I can think of one way to test." Kayln's grin grew truly wicked. Adopting an innocent look to make angels weep she called out in a melodic singsong voice, "Oh Keeellllyyyy!"

"Don' call me Kelllll…" Kelaiah was so tired he couldn't muster the energy to go into his usual angry caps mode at the hated nickname (which he created himself and now is getting all upset about which when you think about it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense).

Seeing the ferret completely incapacitated the females ran off to find their make up kits. They were just about to turn Kelaiah into a cross between a clown and a paparazzi magnet when a deafening battleship klaxon sounded and red lights began flashing.

**AAAAHHUUUGGAAHH! ****AAAAHHUUUGGAAHH! **

Kelaiah jumped up in his seat with a wide eyed start. "Cheeseburger with extra ketchup!"

Arawolf and Kayln had their paws over their ears. Arawolf shouted to her companion. "What is that?!"

"I thought you knew! You're the stage manager!"

Just as suddenly as they started the sirens and lights stopped leaving the three teens ears ringing. Kelaiah promptly fell back asleep and face planted his cake again.

Arawolf walked over to the green room door and shouted for the massively strong yet hopelessly idiotic security badger Steve. "Steve! Find out what those bloody sirens were and be quick about it!"

"No need for that Ara. I was just about to let you know." Rector the lighting mouse came strolling up the studio hallway with Steve lumbering behind him. On reaching the door the mouse turned to the badger. "Steve! Sit! Stay!" When the badger complied with the commands the mouse tossed him a dog bone. "Good boy."

"I didn't know Steve liked dog treats," Kayln had a confused look to her face.

Rector shrugged as he entered the green room with the other two. "Neither did I. But they work."

Ara pointed to the bag Rector was carrying over his shoulder. "What's in the bag and what's with causing us all to go partially deaf?"

"I'm glad you asked," he replied while banging the bag down on the table. Unlike the other three in the room Rector had left his teenage years behind. He was in the prime of his life and while still had just as much energy as his younger friends also had a few more years of knowledge and experience under his belt. Digging in the bag Rector came up with a 10 pound brick of chocolate which he tossed to Arawolf. "First thing's first, that's yours."

The pine martens face lit up at the prospect of the coming sugar rush. Tearing off the wrapper she started chowing down.

"What nothing for me?" Kayln looked a bit disappointed.

"Perish the thought milady. Of course I've got something for you." After handing the squirrel her own 10 pound chocolate bar Rector also gave her what looked like an ordinary Redwall style penknife only with a much larger handle.

"Um, thanks," Kayln was turning the new knife end over end. "But I've already got a knife." She patted the small blade tucked into her belt.

Rector was grinning as he indicated a small brown spot on the otherwise black hilt. "Push right there."

Kayln did so and instantly 30 objects sprang out of the hilt. Kayln was so shocked she dropped the thing on the table. Rector only smiled and gingerly picked up the ultimate multi-use pocketknife. "This thing's got whatever you need. Scissors, magnifying glass, ball point pen, bottle opener, hacksaw, 10,000 mile limited drive train warranty, grappling gun, AM/FM/XM radio, and a ton of other stuff that I'm to lazy to explain but I'm sure you'll figure it out.  
"And the best part is that it'll only open or work in your paws. Also, after you get to know all the tools, you'll be able to just think about the tool you want, push the button and it'll pop out."

Kayln took the knife that know greatly resembled a metal spider and touched the brown spot. The tools retracted into the handle with only the traditional Redwall knife blade still visible. "Thanks," she exclaimed. "But isn't this a tad unrealistic?"

"We're four fan fiction authors who have transmorgraphifed our online personas into walking talking Mary Sue hating Redwall animals. I think we left realistic hitchhiking by itself along Route 66 about a month ago."

By this time Ara had taken a break from her chocolate feast. "Good point," she said. "Do I get any new implements of destruction?"

"As a matter of fact you do." Rector reached into his bag and pulled out what looked like and oversized Frisbee on a string.

"What is it?" Ara asked while scratching her head.

Rector didn't respond. Instead he tossed the Frisbee looking thing towards the head of a nearby costume mannequin. The thing flopped around a lot but came to rest square on the dummy's head. Instead of balancing like a hat, the outer edge of the thing dropped down like a collar around the mannequin's neck. This collar was attached to the top piece by a strip of black cloth. Rector turned to the two females and gave the rope he had held onto a swift tug. At once the crazy Frisbee turned hat fell off the dummy and dropped to the floor leaving behind one dummy without the virtue of a head.

Arawolf's eyes instantly lit up with uncontrolled glee. "Is that what I think it is?"

"A flying guillotine? Absolutely, and it's all yours." Rector handed the nearly psychotic-with-joy pine marten the rope. She ran off to inspect her new toy. Inside the lower collar of the contraption were three rather sharp blades. Normally the blades stayed safe and locked within the collar. However once the device was over a victim's head the rope would be pulled allowing the blades to close like a camera iris.

"Is that smart giving her that?" Kayln whispered to Rector.

"Probably not, but I'm sure it'll be funny." The brown furred mouse turned to where Kelaiah was still sound asleep in his food. "Now for my friend Kel…oh…um…hmm." Rector gave a quizzical look at the teenage food covered ferret.

"He's been like that for a bit. We couldn't wake him up even by calling him Kelly," Kayln told the mouse.

"Don't worry. I've got just the thing." Rector was rummaging around in his bag again. "Hand me that funnel would you please?"

Kayln gave the mouse the funnel and watched curiously as he approached the ferret of the forty winks. Tilting Kel's head back Rector put the funnel in his muzzle. "Now for a dose of my special wake-me-up juice." Rector pulled poured various liquids into the funnel keeping up a commentary as he did. "A couple two liters of super ultra-caf cola, a pot of chocolate covered coffee bean coffee, three drops of "The Bomb" hot sauce, a smidgeon of hotroot pepper, and to top if off a dose of aspirin."

Ara came over still hugging her new toy to her. "What's with the aspirin?"

"Put these on and you'll find out." Rector handed out military style helmets and looked down at his watch. "Three…two…one…now," and he pointed at Kel.

An odd combination of things happened. The ferret's eyes snapped open and he sat up very straight. Starting from the tips of his footpaw and moving up to his head Kelaiah turned bright red. Steam came out of his ears to make a sound remarkably like an old fashioned steam locomotive whistle. He also started vibrating and quivering very fast. His eyes shot open to reveal his eyeballs dancing around crazily in their sockets.

Rector turned to the other two. "Might want to duck." At that moment Kelaiah shot up and out of his seat like an out of control rocket. The other three creatures watched as he went zipping and ricocheting off the walls and ceiling. Food was splattered as the flying ferret bounced off the table, a line of smoke emanated from Kel's mouth to mark his path around the room.

Finally Kelaiah ran out of steam and he landed in the barrel of strawberry fizz. Little wisps of steam came off his tongue as he stepped out of the barrel dripping in the bubbly pink liquid. "Aw, what'd you have to go and wake me up for? I was having a nice dream."

Rector only grinned. "It's that time again."

Kel clapped a paw to his brow. "But we just finished a show. Are Swartt and Bluefen having matrimonial difficulties already?"

"No more than usual and within canon lines," Rector answered. "No this time it's a goodbeast that is in need of our special assistance."

Kelaiah had grabbed a towel and was drying himself off. "Fine let's get this over with." He threw the towel to one side and started checking his pockets. "Hey wait a minute." His searches became more frantic. "Where's my lazer?"

Rector held up a black and silver shiny looking thing about the size of a remote control. "You mean this?"

By now Kel was on all fours looking under the table. "I told you earlier that's only my spare pen. Do you think I don't know what my own laser looks like when I see it?"

"Yes."

"What? Owww!" Kel had looked up suddenly only to bang his head on the underside of the table. Crawling out from the table and rubbing his head the ferret glared at the older mouse. "What makes you say that?"

"Cause you dropped these." Rector held up Kelaiah square glasses.

Kel looked for help from Arawolf of Kayln but they were rolling around laughing at the clumsy ferret. Taking his glasses back and perching them on his nose Kel looked up at the ceiling. "Why me?" Looking back at Rector he held out a paw. "My lazer back if you please."

When he got his precious lazer back (with a decidedly Gollum looking gleam in his eye) Kelaiah was taken back a bit by its new appearance. Instead of the old soft pushbuttons and twisty knobs it was replaced by a sleek touch screen that would have done the inventors of the I-phone proud.

Kelaiah's melancholy instantly melted at the sight of a brand new shiny electronic gizmo. Turning it this way and that the ferret admired his new and improved toy. "How does it work?"

Rector pointed to a soggy sodden mess of papers on the table. "Well those _were_ the instructions but good luck getting anything out of them now. But we're guys. Who needs directions anyway?"

"I couldn't agree more," Kelaiah said while pushing on the touch screen. Instantly a menu of available options appeared. "Weaponry?" Kel looked up at Rector with a happy grin.

"I'll tell you all about the upgrades later. Ara, Kayln if you would pick yourselves up off the floor I've got one more thing to hand out to us all."

As Rector went into his bag again Kel called out to him. "No new toys for you?"

"Oh I've got them. But they're all up in the lighting booth," came the reply from Rector who's head was fully inside his bag. "If you thought my Steve controlling 'Bloodwrath Berserker Beast Go' headset was fun, or scary I don't really care which, you'll love the upgrades to the lighting system."

Rector emerged from the bag holding up four bio-hazard containment suits tailored to fit the four beasts present. "Here put these on."

"This looks like something someone would wear walking around Chernobyl," Kayln commented.

"Exactly, and trust me we'll need them." Rector told her. After the mouse told the other four how to put on the suits affectionately called "Gumby suits" by those who used them they walked around to get the feel for the cumbersome protective gear.

"How do you know how these go on?" Kel asked.

"When I was your age I interned with the Fire Department. We got to play with all sorts of fun stuff. But history later, Mary Sue defeating now. Which also explains the klaxons. It's a Mary Sue alert system." Since the Gumby suits were fully enclosed atmospheres unto themselves the four creatures had to wear firefighter style breathing tanks or the air would run out and use radios to communicate.

Ara clomped around the green room. Holding up a paw she grinned through her face shield. "Earthlings, we come in peace. Give us all your chocolate and pictures of Voltaire."

Rector was getting a bit annoyed. Granted the Gumby suits were fun to play with, but time and air in the tanks was in short supply. He turned to Kel. "If you would please scroll to the locations menu and tap Green Isle."

Kelaiah pawed at his new and improved lazer but owing to the bulky nature of the gloves on the Gumby suit accidentally hit several wrong icons. The four alter egos were transported to Redwall, Salamandastron, Castle Marl, Terramort, Southsward, Noonvale, Redwall again, and next to the Otter and His Wife, before finally materializing on the crater of Deeplough on Green Isle.

After enduring many jokes from his companions Kelaiah turned to Rector. "First off, I love the transport function. Second off why are we on Green Isle? And third what's with the Gumby suits?"

Rector swept a paw over the landscape. "Take a look around and then let me know if it was a bad idea to wear these things."

Through the face shields of their Gumby suits the teenage creatures could tell there was something distinctly different about the island. When the alter-egos had read "High Rhulain" Green Isle had been described as a place of great natural beauty. Looking around were the same crags, cliffs, meadows, and streams, and they were just as lovely as Brian Jacques described in the book. In fact the scenery was so lovely there would never be another soul that would ever want to leave the majestic, glittering, sparkley, totally awsomeness, awww soo kute iland that was that was teh plaise calld green aisle.

Form undr his reely wired looking and totally last years color soot Kelly (what a kute name) calld out. "**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DON'T CALL ME KELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**." Then the ferrit notissed how his vois hadn'tt secummed to the grammir errers. "Sparklypoo. There's a Sue around. I take it the suits acts the same way as the Anti-Sparklypoo Spray until we can hit the Sue with it?"

"Told you the suits would be a good idea," sed rector aas he sprayed Anti-sSparklypoo spray around the alter egos allowing at least their narration to return to normal. He gestured to where it looked like a battle was taking place on the other side of the crater rim. "But looks like it's over there where the trouble is coming from."

Kel was holding up his lazer up with what looked like a radar image on the screen. "Bingo! Just over there! Let's go!" Four Gumby suit clad alter egos started running through the Sparklypoo stained Green Isle to find the source of the Sue. They knew they were getting close when the narration began to go bad again.

cuthbrt had scarmlbed up onto teh back of slothnog hacking at it's neck with the pik ax. it speed out onto the loug wrigling an thrashing furiosly as it tired to rid it'self of it's beserc pasenger. The hair how ever cud not be shaken off. He hakd, speared, adn did lotz of uther nasty things til it was ded an going to take the hair into the endless, dark, smlly, deep, ucky, clear waters of deeplock.

just then a new and gorgus voice was herd. Don't worry daddy ill save you!!!!!!!!!!1111111111"

A hairgirl unlyke any seen seen beefour was sliding down the krater jus lyke legolis did at that one casle place on the steps. Her fur was the coulr of a midnite dawn shinning out over the west. the gown she war was an ex-act mach of the numbr won dress the fason poleese had sed was on the red carpt at evry award show that year but trimed wit dimons and emrelds and roobies and saffires and opals and gold and sliver and platnum and roses and twolipsand dayzees and lotz and lotz of perfume so she mselled lyke cinomen and sugar and puppies and…

The approaching alter egos shuddered as the list of descriptions went on and on with no end in sight. They reached the group of beasts to see the Sue pulling Cuthbert Frunk W. Bloodpaw from the waters. Then the Slothunog (which as you remember had already been slain by Cuthbert) burst out of Deeplough and snapped its reptilian head at the two hares. The Sue reached into her dress and pulled out the standard twelve foot jewel encrusted golden Sue sword and sliced the head off the beast with one swipe.

The creatures on the crater rim were too entranced by the appearance of the Sue to notice the four new arrivals. With glazed gazes befitting a zombie horde they cheered the Sue as she staggered up the slope of the crater yet somehow carried the entire canon rescue party on her back.

Seeing the looks of pure hatred on the faces of the other alter egos Rector turned to Kelaiah. "As soon as she get's to the crater rim I'll spray her and it'll be safe to take off these suits. Then we do what we do best."

Kel gave the mouse a thumbs up as he tried to navigate his new lazer to find the appropriate icons. Rector held the Anti-Sparklypoo spray at the ready as the Sue stepped onto the crater rim.

_Phisssssssssss!_

The spray hit the Sue in full force and the spell of Sparklypoo was lifted from the canon creatures. Before they could wonder about the five new arrivals the surrounding scenery was pulled away to reveal the talk show studio. As the intro music played five female security badgers (who unlike Steve could actually tell a doorknob from a corncob) grabbed the Sue and against her screams placed her in a chair and secured several forms of iron chains to the abomination. Canon Redwall characters of all eras joined the Green Isle creatures in their seats as the crew took their places.

Rector in the lighting booth, Arawolf with her headset in the wings stage left, Kayln on the camera/teleprompter, and of course Kelaiah (who had figured out how to make the microphone pop out of the lazer on stage)

"Welcome to the latest installment of 'Everyone's Favorite Talk Show.'" The teenage ferret came out to the resounding applause of the audience. "Today the crew and I have special news to report. Just before the story line of "High Rhulain" was disturbed too much from the affects of this Mary Sue," he gestured to the chained, gagged, and struggled hare Sue. "We have been able to capture her."

The audience went wild with cheers and applause.

"Now we could have disposed of the Sue quite easily," the ferret went on. "But we decided to have a bit of fun with her first. So let's start off with the intended target of the Sue. Please welcome Cuthbert Frunk W. Bloodpaw aka Log-a-Log Boodul aka Major Blood 'n Guts Blanedale aka Lord Brockfang Frunk."

Applause erupted from the woodlander audience members, especially loud cheers came from the Long Patrol hares in the audience. A few in the vermin crowd booed but stayed mostly quiet.

"Thank you for coming on the show Major." Kelaiah glanced down at the cue cards he was holding that had been prepared by Kayln. "As you may or may not be aware the hare maid," Kelaiah shuddered at called the Sue that, "has fixed you as her object of interest."

"Seems that proper introductions should be made first laddie buck," responded the mad March hare.

Kel glanced down at his cards to hide his embarrassment at his lack of manners. "Um… yeah…oops. Hi, I'm Kelly…**"**

From behind her camera Kayln guffawed that the ferret had fallen for her joke. Kel on the other hand quickly switched to angry caps mode. "**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!KAYLN YOU'RE NEVER WRITING MY CUE CARD AGAI….OY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

Angry cap mode was suddenly shut off as the spotlight on Kelaiah turned up in brightness. "Rector! What are you doing up there?" Kel had a paw across his eyes.

"Accidentally hit the low power button. My bad," replied the mouse who turned the spotlight down to normal.

Blinking spots from his eyes Kel looked up to the lighting booth. "That's _low_ power? I can hardly see."

Rector was grinning in his seat. "I told you I upgraded. Want to see the rest of the settings?"

"Do I have a choice?" asked the ferret dejectedly.

"Not really, but I won't shine it in your eyes," Rector promised. He began pushing buttons in front of him.  
"Here's low." The spotlight went up to a level that would be high anywhere else.  
"High" A blinding white circle appeared on the stage.  
"Really high." The circle of light rivaled the brightness of the sun at this point.  
"And split your own atoms." The circle on the stage turned green for a few moments before lighting returned to normal.

All over the studio creatures were rubbing their eyes to try and rid the spots from them. Kelaiah took a few steps before he fell in the creature sized hole the 'split your own atoms' level spotlight had burned in the stage. Still seeing spots Kel pulled himself out of the hole. When his vision returned to normal he glared at the mouse in the lighting booth. "Tell me again why it's a good idea to have you up there?"

"Cause I still have this," Rector waved the 'Bloodwrath Berserker Beast Go' remote at Kelaiah.

From the audience Badrang roared out, "Enough talk just get on with the show already!"

By now Kel's patience was starting to snap. "Quiet you! It's my show you hear! Mine! Mine! MINE! MINE! **MINE!!!!!!"**

**Zap! Zing! Wham!**

In his anger Kel had tried to zap the stoat but his aim had been off due to the spots still dancing in his vison. The laser beam had shot straight for Rose who was sitting next to Martin and in front of Badrang. Reacting swiftly the original Redwall Warrior had reached under his seat for his shield to block the beam. The laser bounced off the shinning metal and traced a circle in the ceiling which crashed down on Badrang's head. The woodlanders roared with laugher.

"Serves you right," Rose shot at the dazed Tyrant.

Gonff who was sitting on the other side of Martin made a fist with his paw which Martin smugly pounded.

Kelaiah hung his head in his paw. "Can I please have one show where my studio doesn't get wrecked? Moving on. Unfortunately the network has said that I have to let the Sue tell her side of the story. Steve will you please remove her gag? Steve? STEVE!"

"Huh? Oh right," the inept badger came out from the wings and took the gag off the Sue. However he also revealed her perfectly sculpted Sue face when he did. This was not a good thing for Kel's insurance premiums. "YAAAAAAAAHHHHH!! ANOTHER SUE!!!!!" With a bound he ran off stage and crashed through the wall leaving a badger sized silhouette hole in the wall.

Kel glared up at the lighting booth again. "Rector!!!"

"Hey don't blame me for that one. It was Arawolf who came up the Steve is stupid idea. I just came up with his name."

Kel glanced over at the stage manager but knew that any comments would fall on deaf ears. Ara was practicing with her new flying guillotine. "Why me? Why me?"

By now the audience was getting quite restless. Several of the vermin were trying to sneak up on the heroes that had defeated them in their appropriate books. Gonflet and a gang of Dibbuns had broken into the props room and were running around with a cattle prod imitating Kel's lazer. And the hares had found the dessert bar and were digging in with gusto. In short the studio was turning into chaos.

Kel tried zapping the creatures into submission, but was still getting used to the new lazer control scheme. Kayln took advantage of the chaos to start up the "Kel-ly! Kel-ly! Kel-ly!" chant.

In the sound booth Rector just shook his head. "Teenagers." He keyed his mike to get in touch with the rest of the crew. "Gas masks please." Donning his own mask he reached under the lighting board for his bow and quiver of arrows. Selecting a rather large white one with the words "Patriot Arrow" on the side he nocked it to the string, drew back to his cheek and let fly.

At first the arrow sped off a in a straight line. Then of its own accord it turned and dove under the seats of the audience. As it traveled it caused the audience to do the wave just like at a sporting event. This got their attention as the arrow emerged from under the seats and climbed up to fly over the heads of the assembled creatures. This time the arrow was dispersing a white mist. As the un-gas masked creatures breathed in the vapor their anger and other destructive impulses left them. They returned to their seats, righted overturned chairs, and sat with rapt attention at the bewildered ferret on stage.

"A Patriot Arrow?" Kel asked. "Like from 'Robin Hood; Men in Tights?'"

The arrow flew back to Rector who caught it, turned off the gas and put it back in his quiver. "Exactly," he confirmed.

"Well at least it's not in my footpaw this time," His Majesty Kelaiah muttered to himself. Seeing the audience was calmed down he spoke out to them again. "Getting back to the Sue we're going to try a different approach this time. May I please introduce Professors Kit and Minty from the Official FanFiction University of Redwall otherwise known as OFUR."

Since many of the audience were also staff at OFUR they cheered the two new creatures heartily. After all it was because of the fox and wolverine that the canon characters had been able to have some revenge on fanbrats. In fact the applause was greater than anything Kelaiah had ever gotten.

* * *

Human -Kel: Hey! 

warrior4: Not my fault they cheered louder.

Human- Kel: Yes it is. You're writing this!

warrior4: meh (shrugs unconcernedly)

* * *

"Thank you, thank you," Minty waved to the audience. 

"You're too kind, no please stop," Kit also waved at various OFUR staff members. Off in the corner he was hiding in Kelaiah the ferret tried to make himself feel better by chowing down on the unsplattered food in the Green Room.

Minty reached up and pulled down a life sized drawing of a human teenage girl directly in front of the empty seat next to the chained Sue. "Here we have the Suethor responsible for the creation of this HareSue here."

"Don't call me a Sue!" roared the Sue. "I'm a totally believable character who…mmmprmph!"

Kit had replaced the gag and continued where his partner left off. "Her name is Brooke Johnson. Her self-insert Sue here alone with her screen name is EmreldSnowflameShallowbrooke. And yes it's spelled in just one word with said incorrect capitalization."

Minty pushed the drawing back up to reveal the Suethor herself sitting in the chair looking very bewildered. "Using the same technology that allowed us to bring our victim- I mean students to OFUR we have brought Miss Johnson here to the show."

"**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"** roared the audience.

For her part Brooke was extremely confused. Not ten minutes ago she had been sitting at her computer finishing up her oh so wonderful alternate and correct ending to "High Rhulain" when her computer froze up on her. After banging on the screen several times a weird glow had come from the screen and the next thing she knew she was chained to a chair facing life sized talking animals. She tried shouting out for help but was completely ignored.

Kit reached up and pulled down an X-ray board so the now attentive and somewhat perturbed audience could see what was inside the skull of the Suethor. The fox pointed out areas with a narrow metal wand as he talked. "Here we have the standard fan fiction author desire for attention part of the brain called the _lookus at meus._ However unlike normal fan fiction writers the Suethor doesn't posses the area of the brain that controls realism, referred to as the _getaclueus._"

Kayln popped her head out from behind her camera. "Hey! I'm a recovering Suethor myself and now what I write isn't anything like the garbage we dragged that hare out of."

Minty nodded to the irate squirrel. "Fortunately some Suethors can be changed of their ways." She nodded off to the stage wings. "Your Majesty Kelaiah? Would you please come out here?"

Hearing the nickname no one else had actually called him caused Kel to snap his head up quickly only to bang his head on a mid level stage light. "Oww!" He was rubbing his head as he came back on stage. Still his ego had been properly inflated and he strutted as best he could onstage, only to fall into the 'split your own atoms' spotlight hole again. He quickly crawled out and smoothed his tunic and fur while trying to pretend his fall hadn't happened. Good luck when the entire audience and even the Suethor were laughing at him.

* * *

Human-Kel: How come I keep falling into things or banging my head? 

warrior4: Because it's funny. Besides I've saved the best upgrade for last on your lazer. You'll love how this one lights up your life. Now be quiet and let me type.

Human-Kel: _mutters under his breath_

* * *

Minty indicated the Suethor. "If you wouldn't mind zapping our unfortunate friend here." 

Kelaiah grinned evilly as he scrolled to the 'weaponry' page on his new lazer. Taking careful aim he pressed the icon on the screen, but missed the lazer icon. Instead his claw hit the icon simply labeled "GF." Instead of the usual lazer shooting out bright orange and red fire shot out of the device and toasted over the Suethor.

* * *

Human-Kel: A flamethrower! (with a wide happy grin) 

warrior4; Greek Fire to be exact. Like it?

Human-Kel: _does a very good imitation of an evil scientist laugh_

* * *

Once the flames died down and a nice barbeque aroma wafted around the room Kelaiah was able to speak again. Although he words only came out as an incomprehensible gleeful gibber. "Humina humina heheheheheheheh jobbajobbajobba heheheheheheheheheahhahahahaha." 

Minty looked up to the lighting booth. "I think he likes it." Rector gave a wink and saluted with two fingers to the creatures on stage. "Anyway now that that the Suethor has been flamed, we can gauge its reaction to see if any of the _getaclueus_ emerges or the opposite the _idontcareus_ grows instead.

Through the X-ray screen a new blob of brain matter began to form in the skull of the Suethor. Her angry shouts left no doubt as to which brain area was growing. "You're so mean! It's called fan_fiction_! That means I can write it anyway I want to. You're all just jealous that I can write so well and want to spread joy and happiness online. You'll never get published like I will. That is how those words are spelled but who cares about grammar anyway? It's not like anyone cares how a word is spelled when you're talking anyway." She continued in this manner until another blast of Greek Fire silenced the rant.

Kelaiah looked up to the light booth. "I like, I like a lot."

Kit cut off the ferret. "As we can see here it is the _idontcareus_ that is growing in this case. Thus we have only a few options. Enrollment in OFUR, legit authors write more nice toasty flames, or, and this one is actually quite hard to do, treat her writings like a troller or spammer and ignore her until she grows bored and goes away."

Speaking of being ignored the actual Sue had been ignored for quite a while. This led to her Sueglow to diminish which gave her enough wiggle room to spit out her gag. She instantly set up a wail. "WHAAAAAAAAAAHHH! Doesn't anyone want to hear my tragic past of pain and sorrow? How my twin sister Petunia, daughter of Cuthbert Frunk W. Bloodpaw aka Log-a-Log Boodul aka Major Blood 'n Guts Blanedale aka Lord Brockfang Frunk was killed by the same searats who captured me as a babe. And how my saving him would mend his broken heart and broken mind and how everyone.."

"FOR THE LAST TIME THAT'S EVERY_BEAST_!" Dandin roared out from the audience.

"…would see how beautiful I was and tiara would give her crown to me and I'd rule green isle while playing with the pretty kitties and…."

**WHOOOOSSSHHHH!!!**

Flames raced over the Sue compliments of Kelaiah's new Greek Fire flamethrower. When the flames died down only a charred and blacked Sue remained. She blinked her eyes and coughed out a smoke ring. "No," Kel said simply. Finally Kelaiah got the applause and cheers he craved.

Until Kayln started up her chant again. "Kel-ly! Kel-ly! Kel-ly!"

"**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DON'T CALL ME KELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

Kayln was about to start up the chant even louder when a message from the light booth came in over her headset. Kayln looked up at the booth with a surprised and wicked grin and ran off stage taking Joseph the Bellmaker with her.

After Kelaiah calmed down again the show continued. The ferret turned to the audience. "It seems we're almost out of time and we have to return Brooke here to her house so she won't be late for dinner." The female security badgers grabbed hold of Brooke and frogmarched her outside onto the lawns surrounding the studio.

Waiting for her was Joseph the Bellmaker who was standing next to a small wooden cart with a string coming out from one end. On top of the cart was a seat to which the Suethor was chained. The audience was paying rapt attention to the live video being channeled into the studio from the scene outside. In fact they were so riveted they didn't see a female teenage pine marten toss a rather larger Frisbee looking thing in the direction of the Sue.

Once Brook was chained to the chair Joseph began to explain the strange contraption. "My friends, here we have the original multiple launch rocket system." He opened one of the doors of the cart to reveal hundreds of arrows with an attached rocket engine. "As you can see we have quite a bit of thrust. I've rigged the whole thing to go off at once and carry the whole cart and Miss Suethor here back to where she came from."

"Where'd you get the idea for this Mr. Bellmaker?" Kel asked.

Joseph was putting the final touches to the contraption as he answered. "Got a nice letter from Rector who claimed to have seen it on something called the History Channel."

Rector waved merrily as a camera focused on him. Kelaiah was again impressed with the addition of the new implement of destruction the brown furred mouse had come up with. The ferret turned back to the screen. "Are you ready for launch then?"

"That I am," Joseph replied. He took a box of matches and retreated behind his blast shield. "In five…four…three…two…" _WHOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHH_! The whole cart shot off into the air leaving a trail of smoke and Brooke's screams in the calm air. Joseph sat up rubbing his singed whiskers. "Oops, a bit of an early start there. Still it worked just fine."

Kelaiah turned back to the audience that was giving a standing ovation. "Well one problem out of the way." He turned to the Sue. "Now to get rid of one mor….ewwww"

As he had been talking the rope attached to the Flying Guillotine was given a sharp tug and the whole thing then went rolling on the floor. Kelaiah quickly turned to the stage wings to see Arawolf holding the rope and cackling to herself.

"Well that's all the time we have for today." Kel quickly spoke to the camera. "See you next time on 'Everyone's Favorite Talk Show.'"

The end music quickly rolled and the curtain came down. Soon the audience was gone and the repair/janitorial moles were cleaning up/fixing the studio. Meanwhile the alter egos were enjoying a freshly laid table in the Green Room.

"Thank you all for coming," Rector held up a bottle of root beer. "It's been a true pleasure to get another successful show under wraps. A special thanks to our new crew, Kayln, Kit, and Minty. I hope everyone had fun."

"Hey!" Kel shouted. "This was my idea first. How come you're giving the toast?"

"Cause you're to busy feeding your face and I didn't feel like waiting around. After all we all have things to do outside the realm of fan fiction," Rector told the ferret. The mouse then took a look around and noticed they were one short. "Where's Ara?"

"DUCK!" Kayln called out.

Spinning and whizzing through the air the Flying Guillotine embedded itself into the Green Room wall.

"Told you it was a mistake to give her that," Kayln muttered.

* * *

A/N; _I'd write more but I'm tired and want to finish my pizza. Please let me know what you think._


	2. Flowers and Explosions

A/N; _Here we go again. All the disclaimers from last chapter still apply. New disclaimers include Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, and Hollister, none of which are owned by yours truly. The movies "Saving Private Ryan," "We Were Soldiers," and "Flags of Our Fathers," along with the TV shows "The Smurfs" and "Carebears" do not in any way finance my bank account. Thus I don't own them. Also the two new crew members Kris and Aelin are owned respectively by Awsomewriter123 and __Eruravenne__. I hope you like this. And yes I know that I don't do as much of the actual show as Kelaiah did when he was writing these things. Well that's the difference between his fics and mine. Not that either is better, it's just I write these a bit different than he or anyone else would. So sit back, relax, and enjoy._

* * *

Everything was peaceful in the studio Green Room. That is if peaceful meant that Rector was practicing with his new explosive tip Patriot Arrows, Arawolf Beechclaw was sharpened her multitudes of sinister looking implement of destruction, and Kelaiah was toasting marshmallows with the flamethrower function on his lazer. Kayln was huddled over several pieces of paper with the new soundboard operator, Aelin the ottermaid. The other new crew member was a tall dark brown squirrel by the name of Kris. While Aelin was dressed in the traditional Redwall style tunic and skirt the other newcomer had opted to keep the style of dress he would have normally worn in the real world. Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, and Hollister had seen their stocks skyrocket after one visit by Kris. A green popped collar polo shirt with matching hemp bracelet and necklace was draped over his shoulders as he swept up the empty marshmallow bags Kelaiah had thrown on the floor. The ferret felt the need to celebrate leaving his teen seasons behind so was gorging himself on marshmallows. Ten empty bags littered the floor under his chair.

"How come I've got to sweep up the floor?" Kris grumbled. "It's Kel that's making the mess."

In answer the food loving ferret pointed his lazer behind his head at the squirrel and randomly pressed a button. While Kel had been hoping for something explosive to happen to Kris, this did not come to pass. Rather, a large anvil suddenly materialized in the air and dropped straight onto Kel's head.

_WHAM!!_

* * *

Human-Kel: Hey! What's the big idea?

warrior4: It's funny

Human-Kel: But you're writing me getting hurt again!

warrior4: Well you didn't give me any ideas of your own, so when I think of something that makes me laugh it's probably going to go in, now be quiet and let me type

* * *

The resulting crash caused every creature to turn and/or look up from their activities. After a few minutes in which they all laughed uncontrollably at the flattened ferret, the crew tried to lift the anvil. Sadly it was too heavy so Security Badger Steve had to be called for. The lumbering, massively strong, yet still hopelessly inept badger was able to lift the anvil with ease. The ferret underneath had assumed a shape quite like an accordion and was even producing off key notes as he bounced up and down.

Arawolf grabbed a tire pump and put the end in Kel's muzzle. After some pumping Kelaiah returned to his original size and shape although he looked quite dizzy. "Didn't you read the bloody directions on that thing?" she asked.

"Huh?" Kel was still dazed.

Kayln came up with a few aspirin and a bottle of water. After administering the dose she commented to the other females in the room. "Directions to guys are optional."

With a few last chuckles the crew members returned to their previous activities. Just as they had settled back into their activities the Mary Sue alert klaxons began sounding with their accompanying flashing red lights.

**AAHHUUUUUGAAHHHH!! AAAHHUUUUGAAAHHH!!**

The sudden noise caused the easily startled Steve to run like a shot for the door throwing the anvil behind him as he did.

"YAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

The anvil spun a few times before landing with a crash on the pile of exploding Patriot Arrows.

**KAAAABOOOOOOOOMMMM!!**

The resulting explosion had the positive effect of creating a new skylight in the Green Room ceiling. However the six crewmembers were all thrown against the wall and had to use all the skill they possessed to avoid Ara's sharp-pointy-things collection that was flying around the room.

Rector looked down at a rip in his tunic sleeve before a wide grin broke on his face and he started giggling uncontrollably. "Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!"

Soon the other crewbeasts were joining in the laughter as they all enjoyed gratuitous explosions. And thanks to the bend-the-rules-of-reality abilities of fanfiction and the self- impatience of the author for not getting into the plot quicker they crew was also saved from ringing ears, blackened or burned fur, or other things that would have normally happened to any standing so close to an explosion.

As they walked to the anti-Sue radar screens recently installed in the lighting booth, Rector commented to Ara. "You know I think something needs to be done about Steve."

"You don't mean make him become smart or something like that? All that hard work we've done making him into a lumbering oaf and you want to change him? Not bloody likely buddy." A throwing knife appeared in Arawolf's claws, which the uncoordinated pine martin promptly dropped.

* * *

LittlePsyhcoWolf: Are you trying to get on my bad side?

warrior4: You're the one who said Ara is a bit uncoordinated back in February. I'm only building off of what I've seen in the past. Write something more specific about your alter-ego and I'll be happy to follow it to the letter.

LittlePsychoWolf: _goes off to mutter with Human-Kel on dark ways to get back at warrior4_

* * *

Rector shrugged as he led his companions into the lighting booth. With a few deft switch flicks and knob turns the anti-Sue radar came into life. The picture it displayed actually caused Kelaiah to almost loose his lunch. A vein started throbbing on the side of Arawolf's head as she searched frantically for something sharp and shiny. Kayln and Aelin both turned a curious shade of green while Kris just pawed at his eyes trying to remove the ghastly image. Rector was able to control himself so as to avoid any outward signs of distress, yet inwardly was thinking something along the lines of;

_WHAT THE BLOODY (deleted to keep a good rating) IS THIS!! IT'S AN ASSAULT AGAINST ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT ANYONE OR BEAST WOULD CONSIDER GOOD WRITING!!_

* * *

Human - Kel, PyshcoWolf, storiewriter, Eruravenne, and Awsomewriter123: (together) What are you doing?

warrior4: Writing, now if you would please stop interrupting me all the time I could actually finish this in a timely fashion.

storiewriter: You do realize that none of us ARE actually interrupting you, and that you yourself are writing in these breaks, so you only have yourself to blame if they annoy you, because personally I'm sure we would all love it to see less of these and get on with the story and…mmmm!

Eruravenne: (with a hand over storiewriter's mouth) Ignore her, please continue

* * *

Once the Anti-Sparklypoo filter was in place on the screen the crew could look at it normally. Kel was the first to speak up. "Well at least the narration is actually written well. Not like last time on Green Isle."

"Still there's no way we can let this go unchallenged. It's one of the worst kinds of Sues," Ara said through gritted teeth. "A pair of canon characters turned unabashedly Sue and Stu. It's jus about as bad as a bad fangirl self insert Sue."

"Well we're not going to accomplish anything by standing around jaw jacking. Weapons and Gumby suits! Let's go!" Rector sprang up from his seat to open the closet where the Gumby suits were stored and handed them out.

After the crew was safely inside their protective gear they girded themselves for battle. Rector with sword, bow and quiver of Patriot Arrows. Kelaiah with his lazer. Kayln with her old belt knife and her new Ultimate Pocketknife. Aelin with two short swords belted to her waist. And Kris with a scimitar and dagger. After a few wrong turns thanks to Kel still not knowing how his new touch screen lazer worked the crew of "Everyone's Favorite Talk Show" reached their destination.

* * *

warrior4: I apologize for the following. But it must be written

The rest of the crew: (getting angry by now) JUST GET ON WITH IT!

* * *

The late spring sun shone down on the land. Flowers of every variety bloomed with the fragrance of true love. Birds sang their sweet choruses to each other as the blossoms of a cherry tree fell in a shower of petals over the two sweethearts. The two mice skipped beside each other caught up only in their merry frolicking. They didn't care where they were going, who they would meet, or what would happen, just as long as they were together. Love such as this was made to out last mountains, empires, kingdoms, even the world itself. They didn't know how they had come across such a large cherry orchard, but they didn't care. They didn't care that they had stumbled into a seemingly pink and white wonderland as flowers fell from the trees on the breeze.

Just when the moment couldn't get any more perfect, it did. As they looked into each other's eyes they knew that they were meant for each other. As their lips met their souls intertwined. When they finally broke apart a curious sight met their eyes. The flower pedals that had fallen to the ground were stirring on the breeze. Soon they formed the shapes of dancing women and began skipping about to the music of lutes, flutes, lyres, and harps. The magic of the moment was only disturbed as the gullwacker fell noiselessly to the ground.

"From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew in my deepest and most secret heart of hearts that I loved you Mariel Storm Gullwacker," Dandin cooed to the gorgeous mousemaid smiling in front of him.

"And I you Dandin of the line of Gonff. There is none other I would rather spend the rest of my life with. Through thick and thing, storm and squall, snow or heat I will always be with you," Mariel whispered back to her beloved.

As they continued to whisper sweet nothings to each other the dancing flower pedal formed sprites tossed more and more pedals over the lovesick duo. That is until a series of thundering explosions ripped through the clearing.

**BOOM!! BOOM!! BOOM!! BOOM!! KAAABOOOOOMMM!!**

"As much as I don't mind romance that was just sickening!" Rector told his companions as the last of his Exploding Patriot Arrows fell.

The sprites not knowing what to do did the first thing that came naturally to them. They grouped together in fear. Bad choice.

"DIIIIIIEEEEE!!" A blue Gumby suit clad female pine martin looking for all the world like a metal hedgehog with all the knives and swords she had strapped on plowed headfirst into the petrified sprites. Luckily no blood was sprayed since cherry blossom sprites don't have blood, but the fierce attack Arawolf Beechclaw launched on them still wasn't a pretty sight to witness.

After decapitating two in her first rush, Ara reached out with another pair of knives to plunge them into the chests of two more sprites. Letting the blades fall with the sprites Ara decapitated another with her Flying Guillotine. Drawing two short swords she proceeded to make chop-suey out of another five sprites before the other crew members were able to arrive on the scene. As one they tried to pull the berserk martin from her prey, but Arawolf Beechclaw would not be denied.

In an insane bit of strength she threw off her companions and drew her garlic coated Sue slaying sword. This time as she struck against the sprites they didn't just fall where they lay. Rather they spontaneously combusted with each stroke of Ara's sword.

The other crew members knew it would be pointless to try and drag her away from her slaying so they just let her have her fun.

"She'll calm down in a bit," Kel said over his radio.

"I kinda doubt it," replied Rector as he sprayed Anti-Sparklypoo spray around the clearing.

As the taint of the Suethor left them Mariel and Dandin noticed how closely they had been standing to each other. Arm in arm to be exact. Her normal senses returned to her and Mariel jumped back as if her fur had been scorched, grabbed her Gullwacker and swung it around as if ready to fend off any enemy. Too bad Dandin was still standing a bit to close.

_Thowk!_

Dandin sat down hard nursing the spot on the back of his head where the Gullwacker had struck him. "You've got to stop hitting your friends with that thing!" he told Mariel.

"Then watch where I'm going Swordcarrier!" she snapped back. "What are you doing here?" Mariel had just noticed the talk show crew taking off their Gumby suits now that the danger of Sparklypoo had passed.

"I'll give you one guess," Rector told her.

Mariel looked to Dandin, back to herself, the scenery that now contained quite a few less blooming cherry trees, Arawolf exacting her vengeance on the remaining sprites, and back to Dandin again before realization hit her.

"You mean me and him," she pointed at Dandin. "And we were…and some fanbrat's been writing us as…" She began twirling her Gullwacker in a vicious circle. "Where is that puke faced punk? Let me at her! I'll show her what happens when you mess with Mariel!"

"Where did Mariel learn modern sounding words like 'punk'?" Kayln whispered to Kris.

"Got me," he whispered back. "But it does seem to fit."

Arawolf had finally dispatched the remaining sprites and returned to the group huffing and puffing. With a shaky paw she managed to sheath her garlic coated sword with a wide grin on her face. "I feel better," she said.

"I would hope so." Kris told her. "But you didn't leave any for me. Now what am I going to chop up?"

At this point Kel (who had been feeling a bit ignored) cut in. "We can stand here talking all day or we can run a show. What do you want to do?"

"Just push the button already," Dandin told him. "The sooner this gets done the sooner I can take some willow bark tea and get rid of this headache."

"Sorry," Mariel murmured.

A quick scroll through the lazer menu and a push of a button later and the scenery rolled back to reveal the "Everyone's Favorite Talk Show," studio. As the intro music rolled the by now obligatory audience of canon Redwall characters took their seats.

The crew also got into position. Arawolf (who had finally caught her breath) standing in the wings stage left. Rector in his lighting booth. Kayln behind her camera/teleprompter. Aelin at the soundboard. Kris working the graphics computer. And of course Kelaiah strutted onto the stage not really looking where he was going. Consequently he once again fell in the "split your own atoms" spotlight hole.

"RECTOR!! I thought the moles fixed this bloody stage!" he screamed from the bottom of the offending hole.

"Guess they didn't." Rector replied over his headset. "Pay your insurance premiums on time and maybe the moles will get around to things like that."

"Why me?" Kel only shook his head. In front of him Kayln was giving him a countdown.

"In five…four…three…" then she stopped counting and only held up fingers for the remaining seconds until the red light on her camera lit up.

As the camera focused on Kel (and all the subsequent attention, thus inflating his ego) he perked up. "Hello, everyone and everybeast to another episode of 'Everyone's Favorite Talk Show.' As you of course know by now I'm Kelaiah and I'd like to _ti tallbe orch." _

As the foreign sounding words escaped his mouth the befuddled ferret was rushed by a large, black, slimy, orc straight out of the Battle of Pelennor Fields, that planted a big fat kiss right on his astonished face.

As Rector, Ara, Kris, Kayln, and Aelin just about died from laughing so hard Kel wore an expression appropriate for having been clubbed over the head. "Aaaaarrg! _Phut!! Pootey! _Somebeast get me some mouthwash!" Looking at the rest of the crew while scrubbing at his mouth Kel only glared at them. "What was the meaning of that!"

Aelin answered from the soundboard. "I found the "translate to elvish and insert my own dialogue" button. That's for the rather creepy comment you left Kayln and I recently."

* * *

warrior4: Sorry Kel, but you set yourself up for that one.

Human-Kel: But…but…but… I just said I _wanted _to kiss you and the others. Not that I would.

storiewriter: It's still creepy.

Eruravenne: So instead of us, you get to kiss an orc.

Human-Kel: _runs off to disinfect his mouth_

* * *

After a quick break to wash his mouth out Kel continued. "On today's show we have a bit of an unusual dilemma. Rather than a fanbrat's grotesque self insert Sue the crew and I had to go in and save two canon characters from the effects of a Suethor."

The scene was shown to the audience which resulted in many beasts losing their lunches, throwing sharp implements at the screen, booing, and even a few torches appeared.

Mariel and Dandin came onstage and sat down in the chairs set out for them.

"Now Miss Mariel, may I assume that you were only acting like that due to the effects of the Suethor?" Kel asked the mousemaid.

"Exactly!" she confirmed. "Don't get me wrong, Dandin is a good friend, but that's it. I'm not the kind to settle down and play mousewife while my hubby goes off on some quest to leave me to do the laundry."

Kel turned to Dandin. "And you feel the same way?"

"Well to be perfectly honest when I first saw Mariel I was attracted to her…"

Dandin was cut off as a slew of hoots, hollers, cheers, and wolf-whistles erupted from the audience. After Kel zapped them into silence Dandin was able to continue.

"BUT," he said rather loudly. "That was until I realized that I'd rather have her as a friend. Besides she can beat me up," he finished with a note of fear in his voice.

"And don't you forget it," Mariel said quite smugly while twirling her Gullwhacker.

Kel turned back to the camera. "Well let's meet the Suethor responsible for this nauseating scene shall we?"

Against the boos of the audience Kris had a drop down screen unfurl on one side of the stage. As the projector lit up to display the picture the boos and jeers only intensified. It was the self-same teenage girl Brooke Johnson that had been responsible for the Sue that terrorized the last show. Just as before once the screen went up Brooke was seated in a chair looking yet again quite bewildered.

"**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"**

The audience clearly was still upset to see the teenager. "What'd I do this time?" Brooke screamed. "I didn't put myself into the story, I used canon characters, I even went on an established canon line! You're all still just jealous that I can write so well. I even frickin' proofread it before I posted it! I did everything you…OWWW!"

As the boxing-glove–on-a-spring retracted back into his lazer Kel cut her off. "Sorry Miss Johnson but we don't have time to start a flame war or for you to even speak. Steve! You know what to do!"

"Huh? Wazzat?" Steve had been sleeping and woke with a start at the sound of his name.

"The Suethor!" Kel pointed to the girl.

"Oh, right." Steve lumbered forward only to accidentally trip and send his tazer flying out into the audience.

There go Kel's insurance rates again. The tazer went flying only to end up zapping Damug Warfang. As the electricity caused him to go into seizures his paw shot out and knocked the flagon of seaweed grog out of Cap'n Traumun Clogg's claw to spill over Felldoh. The big squirrel immideatly got up and decked Clogg who went sailing back into the Dirgecallers cage setting them free. The feral ermine basically went wild biting, snapping, and screaming all over the studio. As Urgan Nagru and Silvamord tried to round up the trackers several Redwall heroes including Martin, Matthias, Mattimeo, Martin II, and Arven all tried to draw their sword to chase after the Dirgecallers. Only to late did they realize that there was only one sword to go around and Martin had it himself. An argument broke out between the five Redwall Champions as to which one was going to wield the Sword of Martin. Gonflet and his gang of Dibbuns were able to crawl through the legs of the fighting audience members to claim the fallen tazer. Goodbeast and vermin alike found themselves zapped by the tiny terrors.

Kelaiah looked in despair at the chaos enveloping his studio. He looked to his stage manager for help. "Ara! A little assistance if you please!"

"Sorry pal, but this is more fun than watching reality TV!" She had propped her footpaws up and was flicking popcorn in the air to catch it in her mouth.

"No! Stop that! Hey that's mine! Get off!" Kel had to shake loose a Dibbun who was trying to steal his lazer. "Rector! One of those peace inducing Patriot Arrows would help right now!"

"I'd love to shoot one off, but I've got problems of my own," came the reply.

A group of Freebooters had burst into the lighting booth and were trying to make off with the expensive equipment. The wave robbers had pinned Rector against the wall as they ransacked the booth. With an effort Rector was able to get a paw free and had to resort to the last resort. Reaching up he pushed a red button on his headset, yelling into it as he did.

"DUCK AND COVER!! EVERYBEAST!!"

Security Badger Steve suddenly shot bolt upright regardless of the maelstrom surrounding him. It was like a light switch was thrown in his brain. His normally placid face changed to a fierce scowl as his eyes grew red.

"**EUUULAAALIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"**

Bloodwrath Berserker Beast Go Steve was on the fighting creatures like a hurricane. In order to keep the gruesome gory details from young eyes the author has had to edit those parts of Steve's rampage. Needless to say it would make the gruesome scenes from movies like "Saving Private Ryan," "We Were Soldiers," and "Flags of Our Fathers," look like "The Smurfs" or "Carebears."

In the end more Steve shaped holes were left in several walls and the structural integrity of the studio was in serious doubt.

For safety reasons everybeast and person rushed outside to relative safety. The audience took their leave back to their relative story and timelines. Six Redwall alter-egos were left standing looking at the dilapidated smoking hulk of a building that used to be a studio.

"Anyone got a buck or two to remodel?" Kel asked.

"More important question, what happened to Brooke?" Aelin put in.

"You haven't seen the last of me!" a manic teenage voice called out as Brooke was lost to view over a hill.

"Great my first show and the studio get's wrecked. What's going to happen next?" Kris muttered.

"Dinner," Kel said matter of factly. With a few icon pushes on his lazer a Redwall and real world junk food feast appeared before their eyes. Without further ado the three males looked at each other, shrugged, and tucked in with gusto. After Ara, Kayln, and Aelin exchanged an exasperated look they too dug in.

A/N: _Shorter than last time I know, but I couldn't think of anything else. Still I hope it was funny. If you have any suggestions for future gags or jokes I'd love to hear them. Review or PM are fine, but I doubt I'll be able to come up with anything new without ideas that are from sources other than me. Anything used will be credited to you._

_And to those whose alter egos appear in this chapter, all digs directed at any of you are in jest only. Considering the personalities I've got to work with it's just to much fun not to cause a little chaos._


	3. Of Spam and Explosions

A/N; _Disclaimers will be at the end. For any of you reading this who wanted to leave an anonymous review, sorry but after "Winter's Flowers" got spammed I'm decidedly less trusting of anonymous reviews. This chapter _WILL _be decidedly more violent than many of my previous writings, but it's for a good cause I assure you. And I'll try and put a humorous spin on it all, but be prepared for a lot of explosions and the like._

Of Spam and Explosions

"TROLL!! TROLL!! In the fandom!! Thought you ought to know." With that the skinny, bespectacled, and unfortunately disheveled looking ferret Kelaiah dropped to the floor of the Green Room in a dead faint.

The Studio and Green Room had been rebuilt after Security Badger Steve's rampage thanks to a helpful Otherpath pocket courtesy of Aelin. However even considering the damage the last studio has taken the new studio was built exactly the same. Why? Probably because the author didn't have the patience or imagination to describe a new set. So the settings were exactly the same.

Arawolf Beechclaw was one of only two other crew members in the Green Room thus spoiling the effect Kelaiah had been going for by rushing into a crowded room and grabbing as much attention for himself that he could. Ara said nothing but promptly dumped a bucket of water on the prone form of Kel to revive him. The ferret came to his sense coughing and spluttering. "We know. It's kinda hard to miss," she said in a very aggravated tone. "Try not to mention it to Rector. He's kinda…well actually I've never seen him like this."

"What?" Kel was quite confused.

Ara shrugged and pointed to the computer in the corner of the Green Room. "See for yourself."

Sure enough, Rector was sitting by himself in front of the computer screen typing and clicking in a frenzy. Though he was muttering to himself he was heard quite clearly. "Hee hee hee hee spam me will you? Take this! And that! Ha ha ha ha ha! Dun! Dun! Dun! Another one bites the dust! As Strong Bad says 'DELEATED'!"

Wringing water from his ears Kelaiah approached Rector cautiously. "Rector? What are you doing? Are you okay?" When the mouse didn't respond and continued his manic activities leaning so close to the screen that it was impossible see. Kelaiah tried to pull the mouse away but due to a recent brainstorming drubbing he had received, he wasn't really all the strong.

* * *

Human Kel; Drubbing? Wait a second you don't mean…

warrior4; _grins evilly_

Human Kel; _shocked and a bit horrified_ You saved all those PM's I sent you?

warrior4; _continues grinning evilly_

Human Kel; _whimpers a bit_

* * *

Finally after accumulating a few new bruises by being pushed to the floor, Kel just got up and unplugged the computer. Rector was finally able to snap out of his trance like state. "Huh? What happened?"

Kel tossed the cord at him while rubbing his backside. "You pushed me to floor a few times when I tried to pull you away from the computer. Now as I was saying there's a rather nasty…"

Rector just interrupted Kel. "Troll, I know. What do you think I was doing? The bugger left over fifty six hundred anonymous reviews on one of my stories."

"I got spammed to you know," Kel seemed a bit indignant.

"Fifty six hundred anonymous reviews," Rector said very slowly as he enunciated every syllable. "That's about twenty hours worth of work to get rid of them all."

By this time the other crew members had arrived after hearing the ruckus. Kris just sat down and started gorging himself on the ever present junk food on the Green Room table. Aelin and Kayln took in the scene before asking questions. Or at least they would have asked questions had a new voice not chimed in right then.

"Did someone say trolls? I know several of them. They're great for opening gates or pushing really big things."

It was the self same orc that had materialized onstage in the last episode and kissed Kelaiah. The black figure walked over to where Kel was standing and to the shock of everyone present he put an arm around the waist of the orc and quite willingly planted his own kiss on the orc.

"Um, Kel? You do know that's an orc, right?" Kayln asked a little disgusted at the sight.

"Of course. She's actually really nice and now that she's brushed her teeth her breath isn't so bad either," Kel said was a smug grin on his face. The orc smiled to show a neat set of pearly whites complete with the obligatory _ding_ sound and small flash of light.

Aelin went from shocked to quizzical very quickly. "She? How do you know it's a she?"

"Simple," Kel replied as he produced his lazer. Scrolling through the various menu icons he then proceeded to point it directly at where Kris was stuffing Oreos down his muzzle.

"Male," said an electronic voice from the lazer.

The lazer pointed at Rector. "Male."

Kel pointed it at himself. "Male."

"Female." The lazer was now pointed at Kayln.

"Female." Aelin looked as if she didn't need some fancy gizmo to tell her she was a girl.

"Female."

"And proud of it too," Ara said when the lazer rendered it judgment of her.

Finally the lazer was pointed at the orc and Kel pressed the "Test" button.

"Other."

* * *

Human Kel; **!!WHAT!!**

warrior4; _laughing to hard to be able to respond_

* * *

Stunned would have been too lenient a description for the expression on Kel's face. Rather he did his very best imitation of an albino ferret as the color drained from his face. The rest of the crew was laughing to hard to pay much attention. As such they didn't see the frantic scramblings of Kelaiah as he tried feverishly to get his lazer to work as he wanted it to. Sadly this wasn't the case so as smoothly as he could Kel edged himself away from the orc and went back to plug the computer back in.

Kelaiah waited, impatiently tapping his foot while the other crew member's laughter finally subsided. "Are you all finished?" he asked grumpily.

They other five walked over to the computer as Kel was sitting down to pull up the fandom page. When it finally appeared Kel began scrolling through pointing out the various spams left by the troll. "Mainly this troll has done a ton of copying and pasting. They've been saying a lot of the same things time and time and time again. Not only is it old and really repetitive, but very offensive. This is worse than a Sue, this is just cruel."

Kayln nodded in agreement. "A Suethor we can deal with, they either change and get better or get flamed so much they wind up leaving. But how are we going to deal with this?"

"Normally I'd say ignore them," Rector put in. "Trolls are nothing more than bullies, stop paying attention to them and they tend to get bored and go away."

Ara looked at the mouse as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Please tell me you're joking. There's no way we can just sit back and let this happen."

"My good Arawolf, you should know me better than that," Rector told her. "Notice I said _normally_. This isn't a normal situation."

Ara saw the glint of coming explosions gleaming in Rector's eyes as she caught his drift. Rector turned to the squirrel and ottermaids standing next to him. "Question my good ladies, is 'Angry Mob Supplies' fully stocked?"

* * *

storiewriter: And here we thought you were the nice guy who was always saying to act mature and not sink to the level of the trollers.

warrior4; _shrugs_ Hey that's all well and good and what I do advocate. But that's doesn't mean I can't find someway to find humor in this situation.

Oreramar (formerly Eruravenne); Hence, the asking about 'Angry Mob Supplies.'

warrior4; Exactly. Now less talking and more explosions. Shall we?

storiewriter; _rubs her hands together excitedly (along with the other authors whose alter-egos appear in this fic)_ Yes, lets.

* * *

In a dark room sat a boy who although was into his late teens acted more like he had yet to enter junior high. The blinds to the windows were closed while the screaming noise that pretends to be music called alternative rock blared on a stereo that was suspiciously missing any UPC seals. The only light came from the blue glow of a computer screen to illuminate a room reeking with the odors of stale soda pop, moldy half eaten pizza crusts, clothes that hadn't seen a washing machine since last September, and other things that specially trained canines would have picked up far easier than any person would have. In short Federal hurricane disaster areas have looked better than this thing that the boy called a bedroom.

The boy in question was a rather beefy specimen. With his short cropped hair, hostile walk, and almost pug looking face he wasn't a person many messed with at his high school. But more than his appearance it was his narrow dark eyes that set him apart from others. They told others at a glance that he frankly didn't care one cent about anyone or anything other than himself or doing whatever he wanted. What made things even worse for those he intimidated was he was also quick with his tongue and sharp minded too. Regardless of the reasoning of any authority figure the boy could somehow manage to convince himself and his peers that somehow he was in the right, even when he was caught red handed. For him the rules were something to beat, something to push, something get around as much as possible. Consequences were not something he dwelled on as he did everything in his power to make sure that he was the top dog.

So when his monitor started glowing his only reaction was to stare stupidly at the screen and mutter a string of profane words the author is kind enough not to share with you as there might be underage persons reading this that don't need to read such things. With a flash of blue light the boy found himself standing on a flat plain of green grass. He began to look around when it hit.

_WHAM!!_

The blow hit the boy full in the face. Uttering more of his adult language he looked around for the source of the blow ready to fight anyone foolish enough to actually pick a fight with him. What he saw instead stopped him dead in his tracks.

A ferret, two squirrels one male, one female, an otter, a pine martin, and a mouse were all standing not far from the boy. What shocked him even more was that these animals were all dressed in tunics and other medieval style clothing and armed with a variety of modern and Middle Age weaponry. It was the pine martin who had hit him. Before he got over his shock she walked forward again. With a look of pure rage in her eyes she brought her knee up hard into his crotch. His eyes rolled up as he doubled over and began rolling on the ground in pain.

* * *

LittlePsychoWolf; Thank you

warrior4; You're welcome, now if you don't mind we have more troll eviscerations scheduled

* * *

"Nice hit Ara. Now I remember why it is I don't ever want to get you mad."

But Arawolf wasn't listening to Kelaiah. She had walked over to the troll and was kicking him as hard as she could. "This…_kick_…is…_kick_...for…_kick_…being…_kick_…a…_kick_...stupid…_kick_…annoying…_kick_…self obsessed…_kick_…jerk!"

It was only the combined efforts of Aelin, Kayln, and Rector that Ara was pulled off the troll. With a brand new collection of bruises forming he stood up to yell at the crew. "What the was that...wait a minute." Confusion replaced anger on his face. Taking a deep breath he planned on shouting the worse obscenity he knew as loud as he could. ""

"Now now, there's no need for language, young troll." Aelin told him as she twiddled with a few buttons on her Portable Sound Board.

This only angered the troll even more. Not that anyone was expecting anything different. "You mean you stupid kids aren't even going to let me say whatever I want? It's no wonder you're all a bunch of pathetic losers." He adopted a very mocking tone. "Wahh, mommy! They're being mean and are saying bad words. If can't help it that I'm a pathetic loser that only spends my time writing stupid stories about kiddy books and my only friends are people I haven't ever seen in my life."

"Listen to the kettle calling the pot black," Rector said. "You've probably spent as much time as any of us online writing all that spam."

Rather than humbling the troll this comment only caused him to laugh. "And you're all stupid enough to fall for it. Like you'll fall for this!" From his pocket he pulled out a can of Spam and threw it on the ground. At once a large puff of smoke appeared and suddenly the troll was joined by a twin.

* * *

Human Kel; So that's how they do it. They're literally born of Spam.

warrior4; Unfortunately. It's really too bad because I enjoy Spam every now and then. It's great fried up and on a sandwich. Now hush, you should really like this next part.

Human Kel; Does Ferret Kel get to eat something?

warrior4; Even better. A really big implement of destruction.

* * *

In a very short time the trolls had multiplied to form a sizable army. Each one was perfectly identical and armed with cans of weaponized Spam. The brave crew wasn't impressed.

"Please, spare us," Kris put in. "Is that really the best you can do? An army of clones throwing cans of Spam? You have no sense of imagination." The troll only responded with the same three insults he had been spouting since he had started his activities. Kris still wasn't impressed. "Not a very big vocabulary either." The squirrel turned to Rector. "You'd think he'd get tired of saying the same thing time after time."

"You're not the only one who can rip off _The Matrix _movies," Kel said defiantly. Scrolling through the "Weapons" menu he pressed the appropriate button and set his lazer down on the ground. At once it began shaking and trembling then sprouted extra parts that were twisting and whirling to connect with each other. Very soon Kelaiah had his very own walking mech robot guardian of the City of Zion dock. Clambering into the cockpit Kel manipulated the controls to make the machine guns on either arm twirl like a Western movie gunfighter as he drew his six shooters from their holster before the showdown at high noon.

* * *

warrior4; Like you're new toy?

Human Kel; _mumbles something incoherent_

warrior4; You're welcome.

* * *

Kayln and Aelin had set up their 'Angry Mob Supplies' store. The nice thing about that store is that is was shaped and reinforced much like a World War II pillbox. Very narrow window openings that gave an excellent field of fire. Rector and Kris were busy loading themselves up with bazookas, RPG's, Stingers, grenade launchers, and for good measure another full quiver of Patriot Arrows.

Rector's ears perked up as he heard a nearby creature humming under its breath. Looking up he saw Kayln switching her Ultimate Pocketknife into lightsaber mode and a red plasma/lazer blade shot out from the hilt. The squirrelmaid in question was grinning as she hummed "The Imperial March" to herself. On her other side Aelin had drawn her short swords from behind her back and was humming "Duel of the Fates" as she flourished her swords.

Ignoring the barbs about Star Wars nerds directed at the crew by the troll(s) Kris came to his friend's defense. "See? You lack any sort of originality. Which is why no one likes you."

Seeing that the crew wasn't impressed with his angry shouts the troll(s) launched their attack. However for all their blustering naughty language the only thing they could do was throw Spam at the crew. And thanks to the fact that this story is being written by the person it is, none of the Spam hit the brave and valiant crew.

* * *

Oreramar; Humble much?

warrior4; Shush, it's just getting good. _sits down to watch the fun with a jumbo bucket of popcorn_

* * *

The chain guns on Kel's mech warrior machine roared into life in the center of the fight. With a fierce grimace that would have done Rambo proud Kelaiah's chain guns blasted into the ranks of the trolls. Tracers shot into the packed ranks of trolls as the chain guns acted like a gigantic lawnmower. Wave after wave of trolls tried rushing the mech, but flying Spam cans don't really do much damage against a multi-ton weapon of futuristic warfare.

On the right flank Kris and Rector let loose with their own salvos of various explosive weaponry. Charred and blackened bodies of trolls were sent flying as explosion after explosion ripped through their numbers. When Kris added in the Chinese multiple launch arrows from the first episode the results proved highly effective. Especially when one considered that Kris had managed to come up with around two hundred of the boxes that each fired a hundred rocked propelled arrow. That's twenty thousand razor sharp arrows shooting at near the speed of sound into the packed ranks of trolls. Combined with the goodies from 'Angry Mob Supplies' the right flank of the trolls were shown precisely the meaning of the word decimation.

To the left the females were more of the up close and personal type. Singing their battle songs as loudly as they could the lightsabers of Kayln and Aelin (along with her normal twin short swords from her back scabbards) cut through the troll ranks. The remarkable thing was that the glowing plasma/laser blades left their defeated enemies looking remarkably like what the Battle Droids looked like when confronted by a Jedi lightsaber. Two halves that were cauterized and a bit melted where the lightsaber blade had cut through them.

Ara had held back before making her initial charge. The reason was that she threw every knife or small bladed implement she had at the troll army. Remarkably her aim was actually spot on for once. Every knife thrown scored a solid hit and defeated another troll clone.

* * *

LittlePsychoWolf; Wait a minute, when did Ara become good at throwing things? We've already been over the fact that she's got rather horrible aim.

warrior4; You're complaining that more troll clones are dying?

LittlePsychoWolf; Well…um…not really.

warrior4; It's just this once, next time she'll be back to her usual poor aim

LittlePsychoWolf; Oh, okay then.

* * *

Once her supply of throwing implements was exhausted Ara drew her garlic coated sword and threw herself against the foe. As had happened when she fought the cherry blossom sprites the blade caused any enemy it struck to spontaneously combust. Leaving an ever growing trail of ash in her wake Ara launched her vengeance on the trolls.

"See this is more like it," Kris shouted to the trolls. "Rather than just saying the same thing and wearing out the copy and paste function, you're treated to something that's actually interesting to read."

Over the chaos of battle Ara piped in. "You want interesting? I'll give you interesting." Putting two claws to her muzzle she blew a long loud whistle. Instantly a giant ravenous demonic squid-god began an assault on the rear of the troll ranks. The crunch of trolls as huge tentacles laid waste to them was music to the martin's ears. She was grinning ear to ear when she called out to her pet. "Good boy Cthulhu."

By this time Rector had drawn his sword and was also fighting face to face. His supply of explosives having dwindled and he was too impatient to go back to the store for more. "Two can play at that game Ara."

Reaching into his waist pouch he took out his headset from the show. Grinning with demonic delight he pressed the red button.

"**!!YAAAAAAAAAAA!!"**

The bloodcurdling warcry of Bloodwrath Berserker Beast Go Steve was clearly audible across the entire battlefield. Rather than using a weapon B.B.B.G. Steve just grabbed a troll clone in each massive paw and used them as flails against the army of troll clones before him. In short order the two clones in his paws were reduced to a limp and dripping slimy red thing. So of course Steve dropped them and grabbed two more.

"Hope we're not too late."

The crew members turned their heads to see Kit and Minty rushing forward armed with long double forked spears and pulling what looked like a large fish tank covered in a large red cloth.

From his mech Kel pressed the button that reloaded his chain guns. "Of course not. Have at it with a will!" The chain guns reloaded and roared back to life.

Behind him Kit and Minty took the cloth off the fish tank to reveal hundreds of the Mini-Deepcoilers that so vigorously defended the OFUR. Tipping the tank on its side the Mini's launched their attacks against the trolls with a disturbing vengeance that warmed the hearts of alter egos.

Tapping their spears against each other Kit and Minty waded into the fray. Now if you have ever taken the time to read of the exploits of the OFUR you might remember these spears. The Long Patrol wielded them when the students first arrived. They acted somewhat like tazers that day. That was them on their "low power" setting. This time on their "never-for-the-love-of-all-that-is-good-and-right-in-the-world-put-these-things-up-this-high" setting they were truly impressive. Each time they were used against a troll clone electricity hot enough to rival the surface of the sun arced not just to one clone, but shot to the clones near it in a way very reminiscent of the final scene from "Indian Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark." And just like the Nazis in that movie the troll clones either burst into flame or simply melted as the energy passed through their bodies.

After the crew members had finally had their fill of destroying troll clones (which took a VERY long time let me tell you) the only troll left alive was the original troll himself. Instead of being the cocky swaggering jerk he had first been he was now crying and sobbing like a three year old child. As various monsters, Redwall alter ego animals, and weaponry pointed at him he couldn't do much that soil his pants and cry even louder.

"So what are we going to do with him?" Kit asked.

Minty raised a huge claw. "Hang, draw and quarter him?"

Ara scoffed. "That would be an insult to the ropes we'd have to use."

"He can't stay here, we need to get rid of him," said Aelin as she wiped the battle gore from her swords on the trolls shirt.

"Hey I've got an idea." Rector perked up as he used the troll's hair to clean his paws.

In very short order a large catapult was constructed and the troll loaded in to the basket. He was still crying and had soiled himself several more times by now. Eight sets of paws gripped the release lever and pulled. The long arm of the catapult shot forward sending the troll on a one way trip over the horizon to parts unknown.

"Good riddance," Kayln called out to the rapidly disappearing figure. "Please forget to write."

Kelaiah got down from his battle mech and with a button press the mech re-transformed itself into his lazer. A few swift clicks and the battlefield was cleaned of the debris of war. The victorious crew members all walked back to the Green Room for a celebratory feast of any kind of junk food they could possibly want.

The party was in full swing when a glaringly pink and black thing launched into the room and tackled Kelaiah. "Oh my poor sweet Kel-Kel. Did you get hurt? I've been so worried about you."

The orc was back and let me tell you a pink satin dress dose not look good on an orc.

Kelaiah was scrambling trying to find his lazer. "Get off me! You…you…thing!"

Rather than being insulted the orc just squeezed Kel harder. "Oh you know how to say the nicest things. You're such a sweet cute little thing too," the orc cooed into Kel's ear as she rubbed his headfur.

Kel was only able to produce and undignified squawk because of the pressure on his chest. Finally he got a hold of his lazer and franticly began pressing a few buttons. A large ACME rocket suddenly shot through the door and roared right at the orc. In a flash the orc was off Kel and riding the rocket as it flew out the window and high into the sky. With one last _ding_ and sparkle of light it was lost to view.

"Why me?" Kel asked himself as he sat back down at the table.

"Don't worry King Kelly," Kayln said as she clapped a paw across the ferrets back. "I'm sure we've seen the last of that thing."

"King Kelly?" the ferret perked up a bit. "I don't know if I like the sound of that."

Aelin's grin blossomed. "We could always call you Kel-Kel."

Shaking his head Kel just buried his face in his hands as he tried to forget his embarrassment.

"Don't worry about it buddy. Here have a drink." Rector offered the ferret a cup.

In his shame Kel didn't look at the drink before he downed it like a shot. He really shouldn't have done that. The laughter of the crew members rang out long and loud as Rector's "Wake Up Juice" produced the same results it had, last time Kel had drank it.

* * *

Human Kel; Are you quite done?

warrior4; I think so

Human Kel; And the orc?

warrior4; It's probably gone.

Human Kel; So we can get back to business as usual and deal with Sues rather than trolls now?

warrior4; Sure why not

Human and Ferret Kel; _give relieved sighs_

* * *

A/N; _Okay now for disclaimers. I do not own the following. The Otherpath Theory is property of Oreramar. Likewise she and storiewriter also own the 'Angry Mob Supplies' store. OFUR, Mini Deepcoilers, and the tazer spears are property of __Laburnum Steelfang and __kitsune106d. The demonic squid thing was the idea of LittlePsychoWolf but neither she nor I own whatever that thing came from. Any movie references are also not owned by yours truly. I also don't own any part of the "Harry Potter" universe, or Strong Bad. Spam is of course the property of the Hormel Company. If I've repeated anything from previous chapters and had a disclaimer for those, then they still apply as well._

_So I hope you had fun. However I must add that in all actuality it's much better just to ignore trollers and spammers. They're nothing but immature bullies looking for attention. Take that away from them and they'll get bored and leave._


	4. Old Vs New

A/N; _I'm back!!!_ _I know it's been forever since I've updated this. My apologies but I've been busy. A bit of a change this time around, but I hope you like it all the same. Disclaimers at the end._

4.

Old Vs. New

Dust was everywhere as Rector walked into the studio. A cracked floorboard here and there along with faded scorch marks was testament to the chaos that had once plagued the studio.

"I hate cleaning," Rector said to himself as he climbed into the lighting booth. Blowing off his workspace the mouse quickly flipped switches and tuned in dials. Slowly the lights, and more importantly considering the cold winter outside, and heaters started up. The added light only showed the level of disuse the studio had fallen into. A few holes in the stage, along with moldy and smelling remnants of junk food from the Green Room were soon visible.

"I really hate cleaning," the lighting mouse said as he pushed the "summons" button on the light board. A whirling mist of fog appeared on the stage. Soon figures were visible within the tornado like columns of mist. The five figures soon reveled themselves to be none other than Kelaiah, Arawolf Beechclaw, Kayln and Aelin Wordsmith, and Kris. The ladies and Kris were fortune enough to avoid landing in one of the holes. Sadly the same could not be said for Kel.

* * *

Human – Kel; You've got to be kidding me! Not three paragraphs in and Ferret – Kel is already in a hole.

warrior4; (smiles brightly) Yup!

Human- Kel; Why?

warrior4; Why not? Now shut up and let me get through this.

* * *

After the bespectacled ferret had pulled himself out of the hole he was able to get his bearings. The other crew members were to busy covering their noses to pay Kel much mind.

"I was beginning to wonder when we'd all get together again," Kris said.

"Jeez Rector!" Kel wasn't too impressed with the state of the studio. "Why'd you let this place get so rundown?"

"I've been busy," replied the lighting mouse simply.

"Too busy to keep the place clean obviously," Aelin said as she picked at the dried remains of what in a previous life might have been a tasty morsel of junk food now plastered to her soundboard. "This'll take me forever to clean."

Ara looked over at Kel. "Take a look see through that fancy lazer of yours. Maybe it's got an insta-clean function."

Kel obliged and to his surprise there in fact was such an icon. After a few taps the studio began to clean itself in a very Mary Poppins-like manner yet without the song and dance number. Kel was quite pleased with this discovery.

"Hey why didn't I know about this earlier? Think how easier this'll make things!"

"Probably because you threw out the directions Kelly," Kayln muttered under her breath as she set up her camera.

"What was that?" Kel asked.

"Oh nothing," Kayln replied with a sweet as sugar smile that really didn't fool anyone.

"So who's the Sue we're getting rid of this time?" Kris asked as he started up his graphics computer.

"There isn't one." Rector told them all.

* * *

storiewriter; No Sue? But I thought that was all we did? Sues, Trolls, and the like.

warrior4; I couldn't think of anything anti-Sueish so I came up with a different idea. Now hush.

* * *

"Then what did you bring us all here for?" Ara tried twirling a dagger in her claws, but due to a lack of practice she promptly dropped the thing.

"I figured we could branch out a bit," Rector explained. "All we do is Sue's and the like and after a while it gets kinda boring. So maybe something else to change things up."

Kayln was still skeptical. "But part of the fun is seeing the audience go crazy and try to beat up the Sue. Without an audience riot what fun are we, not to mention Steve, going to have?"

"Trust me if all goes according to plan we'll have our audience at each other's throats and Steve will…well actually he'll probably leave a few more outline holes in the walls, but hey that's what's so much fun about these things. Now if you'll all read the show outlines that are being sent to your respective monitors lets get this thing on the road."

The crew did so even though Ara was looking somewhat murderous at the prospect of a Sue-free show. Her Flying Guillotine hadn't been used for a good long while and she didn't want it to rust.

Soon the word got around and the audience of Redwallers of all eras were taking their seats. With a few deft controls Kris brought the screen down and graphics were soon flying over the stage.

_WELCOME BACK TO EVERYONE'S FAVORITE TALK SHOW!!_

_NOW IN 3-D!!_

_FREE FOOD FOR ALL!!_

"Overdoing it a bit there," Ara whispered into her mike.

The graphics cut off as Kris got his computer under control and the screen raised up to revel Kel standing front and center on the stage. No sooner had he appeared then he was hit by two of Rectors low power spotlights. The ferret shot his paws to his eyes under the blinding light.

"Rector!! Knock it off!!"

"I thought you liked being in the spotlight. So I figured if you liked one you'd love two!"

"I like being able to see more!" The spotlights dimmed a bit and Kel blinked a bit to clear his vision. Taking a deep breath he smiled to his audience. "Welcome back everyone to-"

"That's every_beast_," said a defeated sounding Dandin from his seat.

"- Everyone's Favorite Talk Show," Kel went on as if he hadn't heard the comment. "After a very long hiatus we're back with a bit of a different twist. First off I'd like to say that I wear frilly pink pajamas in the summer when it's hot. KAYLN!!"

Behind her camera/teleprompter the gray squirrel laughed loudly. After the audience wolf whistled and cheered quite a bit Kel glared at the camera squirrel but got back to the actual script.

"Ahem! While we don't have a Sue or Stu to terrorize this time we're going to explore a topic that have many curious. Which books are better? The newer ones or the older ones? To answer this we're going to have several characters defend their respective stories."

After a few taps on his lazer's teleport function several of the audience members were suddenly onstage. Included were Matthias, Martin the Warrior, Cluny the Scourge, Badrang, Tammo, Damug Warfang Triss, Princess Kurda, Gorath the Flame, and Viska Longtooth.

"Let's hear it for our victi- I mean guests," said Kel as they appeared onstage. A few confused claps were heard from the audience but for the most part they were just befuddled.

"So we've got a fairly representative sampling of good and bad characters from earlier books, later books, and mid-range stories."

"Hey now!" Martin spoke up. "I've been in or mentioned in every story out there! Why am I on the 'older stories' side?"

"Probably because you can't keep your trap shut!" Badrang snapped irritably.

"Actually it's because the stories where you are actually alive are more on the older story side." Kel informed the Warrior.

"I don't even see why we need this show," Cluny snapped. "There's not a blasted one of you who doesn't know who the greatest warlord of all time was. No one else was able to hold siege to Redwall as long as me. Some never even saw the walls of that place." He said with a glare at Damug and Badrang.

The Greatrat and Tyrant leapt up and drew their weapons aimed straight at Cluny's single eye.

"Watch yore tone one-eye," Damug snarled.

"Aye, you don't want to go losing your other one know," Badrang growled.

"Ha!," Cluny wasn't impressed. "Better a one-eyed rat who actually stood in Great Hall than some whelp who went and got themselves killed by some crazy badger or mouse."

"Wasn't dat one killed bya big bell?" Kurda asked Viska.

"Aye so he was. I'd stake me oath on it." The fox replied.

With those remarks the two rats and stoat turned on the ferret and fox. "As if you two were any better." Badrang spat at them. "Neither of you two would have rated even as captains in our hordes let alone leaders."

Viska swung his mace threateningly as he stood up from his chair. "Wot's that suppos'd t'mean stoatie? I's the most skilled Sea Raider ever t'set t'sea 'an dat's a fact!"

Damug actually did spit on Viska's footpaw at that. "Skilled my left claw! What self-respecting vermin would follow a skinny runt of a fox who can't even be understood half the time."

That was it for Viska. With a roar he launched himself at Damug swinging his mace. The Rapscallion met it with his sword and launched his own attack. Not to be left out Kurda, Cluny, and Badrang leapt into the fray and began fighting for all they were worth as insults rang out.

"Swordsbeast you calls yerself? You can barely lift that blade."

"You's da one wh can't lift a blade one-eye!"

"Tyrant? Yer jus' a lan'lubber what got 'isself killed by some hopped up mouse!"

"Better than you ever accomplished. Marshank inspires fear to this day!"

"Ya! If you call laffin' fear!"

Kel by now was trying to desperately trying to get his stage under control. His lazer lay quite useless on the other side of the stage from him as it had been knocked out of his paw early in the fight. The skinny ferret didn't really have a chance against some of the hardest baddies in Mossflower and beyond.

Finally he did the one thing he had hoped to avoid. He looked at the rest of the crew. "A little help?" he asked with a whine.

"Took ya long enough to ask," Ara growled as she drew her sword. With a few easy slashes several of the sandbags that are always hanging above a stage came crashing down on the fighting creatures. Thusly knocked out they were quite easily dragged offstage by Steve who instead of trying to break up the fight had been trying to open a new box of dog biscuts.

"Thanks Ara that was-"

_WHAM!!_

A last sandbag had landed squarely on Kels right footpaw. He howled and hopped in pain as he faced the camera again.

"We'll be right back after this word from our sponsor."

The red light over Kayln's camera went off signaling the start of a break. Kel immediately ran off to the Green Room to find an ice pack. While he was gone the fight between the baddies had restarted. However this time the respective hordes had gotten into the mix. As Kel walked back to the main studio he found the place in utter chaos.

Teams of villains were attacking each other tooth and nail regardless of whether their leader had been on stage or not. They were the villains and they liked nothing better than a good fracas. Rats, stoats, weasels, and the like were all shouting, screaming, and in some cases flying through the air.

"Ah, that's better," Ara commented as she put her footpaws up on a stool and began to happily munch on popcorn.

Kel for his part looked up at the lighting booth. "This is the thanks I get for being nice to you?"

"Oh relax and enjoy the fun for once," Rector told him. "That's your problem you're to wound up all the time."

"I wonder why when there is total anarchy erupting around me all the time," the sarcastic tone was clear in Kel's voice.

Rector ignored him but keyed a different button on his headset. "Hey Aelin, how about one of those vermin/woodlander screens from the arena?"

"Coming right up," came the reply from the sound otter. With a snap of her claws an Otherpath pocket opened up to reveal the handy "Angry Mob Supplies" storefront. Bending over the counter Aelin began searching through the stacks of merchandise that she had putting off organizing.

* * *

Oreramar; You calling me lazy?

warrior4; Not at all, just expanding on the procrastination trait you put into that picture meme thing of Aelin.

Oreramar; Oh, ok then, I guess

warrior4; Would you rather me write something that requires Aelin a cup of mouthwash?

Oreramar; No this is good

warrior4; Thought so

* * *

Tossing unlit torches, pitchforks, cluster bombs, claymore mines, a bazooka or two, and a few lightsabers over her shoulders the brown otter finally found what she was looking for. A curious looking package that read "One ACME INSTA-WALL, JUST ADD WATER"

"Wile E. Coyote isn't going to be happy when he finds out you stole his catalogue," Kris said.

"Quiet," Aelin barked at him. Her expression then turned somewhat curious as she was overcome by a fit of giggles. "Hehehehehehehehehehehe! This is gonna be fun! Hehehehehehehehehehehe!"

Kayln swept a paw over her eyes. "Oh this ain't gonna be good."

The squirrel was soon proved right. Aelin put the package down just to one side of the rioting creatures that by this time had gotten a hold of several security tazer spears. The stench of burnt vermin was getting stronger and stronger. Grabbing an abandoned cup of water from some creature that had wisely gotten away from the fight she upended it over the package.

_SPROING!!_

The package opened with much the same sound as a rapidly expanding cartoon spring. A wall of plexiglass much like the boards at a hockey game surrounded the warring vermin. Fortunately the wall was also soundproof so the annoying sounds of fighting wouldn't be heard.

"How'd you manage the soundproofing?" Kris asked as he tapped the plexiglass.

"Tricks of the trade," said a still grinning Aelin. There might not be a Sue or Stu around but at the sound of battle her blood had gotten up. Reaching behind her she had drawn her two short swords and…

* * *

Oreramar; Short swords? Why are they short?

warrior4; Have you ever actually tried to draw a sword from behind your back like that? They have to be short or your arm won't be able to reach high enough to draw them completely out of the scabbard. That's why in battle it's a lot more practical to have a long sword at your hip.

Oreramar; Oh well I guess that makes sense

* * *

…leapt over the wall to add a little of her own carnage. She wasn't surprised to find Ara also in the midst of the fighting creatures dealing damage with her garlic sword and Flying Guillotine.

"Um, ladies? We're about to come back from break." Kel was still standing on stage rubbing his footpaw as he tried to get their attention.

"You really think you'll get their attention like that?" Kris asked. "You need something with a little more punch." With that he aimed his trusty bazooka at the box, which promptly sent the few woodlanders still remaining diving for cover, and pulled the trigger.

KA BOOOOOM!!

Kris found himself blown backwards by the blast and covered in a fine black dust blinking blankly around him. The wall itself was unharmed. Shaking his head he looked at Kel, who was quite glad that someone else had finally taken the brunt of a backfire. "Just teleport them out then."

"Can't get a good lock, there's too many in the way."

Above all the chaos and carnage Rector was rummaging around under the lighting controls. "If you want something done right you've got to do it yourself," he muttered to himself.

Emerging victorious from his search he nocked one of his patent pending Peace Mist Patriot Arrows to his bow. Drawing back he let fly over the wall. Soon the calming mist had sent the fighting vermin into a deep sleep. Kel was able to teleport Ara and Aelin out even if they were still unconscious.

"Kind of a higher dose that time," Rector told the all. "Wave something tasty in front of their faces and they should wake up."

No sooner had the aroma of chocolate been placed under their noses did the marten and otter wake up to quickly scarf the chocolate bar that had woken them up. Retaking their places just in time for Kayln to announce the return from break.

"In five…four…." she cut off to hold up three claws with a countdown to zero. She pointed at Kel as the red light came back on, on her camera.

"Well after a break and bit of remodeling we're back. I'd like to let everyone know that none of the crew or woodlanders was seriously hurt. Although I had hoped it was a certain gray squirrel that had been on the backside of that backfire but alas it wasn't to be."

"HEY!!" Kayln looked quite perturbed at Kel for that one. She promptly threw a custard cream pie at the offending ferret. It stopped short of the ferret to hover in midair a foot away from his face.

"Nah nah!" Kel stuck his tongue out at her. "I gotta force field!"

Muttering to herself Kayln started exploring the function on her Ultimate Pocketknife while she keyed a private channel to another crew member on her headset.

Oblivious to this Kel tried to get the show back on track. "So now that our, well maybe not _fine_, vermin friends are gone lets address some Redwall heroes shall we?" Kel turned to address the five creatures who had fallen asleep from being ignored.

"AHEM!"

They woke with a start to Kel's impatient cough. Mutter apologies they sat up as Kel began to speak again. "Now I trust that since you all fit into the good guy, and girl Miss Triss, category we won't have any of the bickering we had with the others. So let's start with you Martin. Since you've appeared in or at least been mentioned in every story concerning Redwall has the quality of the story gotten better or worse over the years or seasons depending on your view of time?"

"Well it did seem that there were a lot more big army on army battles in earlier tales. Lately we've gotten few battles and more along the lines of skirmishes."

"I agree old chap," Tammo cut in. "Seems my fight on the ridge was one of the last big battles to take place."

"I wouldn't go that far," Gorath put in. "Don't forget the story of Brocktree's re-conquest of Salamandastron, or that Rakkety Tam fight outside the walls of Redwall."

"Not quite what I meant sah," Tammo tried to explain but Martin cut him off this time.

"And then there was the fight for Green Isle. That was a quite protracted campaign. I should know considering how much advice I gave to Tiria."

"Also depends on your definition of good," Matthias finally spoke up. "How do you judge a good story? Repeating characters from earlier stories? The difficulty of puzzles Martin there leaves? How big the battles were?"

"Now don't go mincin' my words mouse chap." Tammo was trying bravely to defend his point. "I'd just as soon see a smaller battle doncha know. Saves a lot of good beasts being carved up eh wot!"

"So then the stories around my time are better since there's less of that." Gorath put his arms across his chest proudly.

"Never had to quest for anything did you?" Matthias asked the badger. "Not that easy especially when the directions you're given don't lead you to where they should."

"Hey! That rhyme led you right to where it was supposed to. Not my fault sparrows stole the sword." Martin gave Matthias a harsh look.

Off to the side Kel had one paw across his chest and was resting his arm on it. His head was resting on that paw as he tried to stay with the conversation. Save for Triss, who was looking a bit camera shy hence why she was so quiet, the other four were conversing in a polite dry tone that was much like how Professor Binns was described in certain other books. The dull monotony of the show had led many others to zone off in boredom. Save two that is.

A light on her camera started flashing and Kayln knew the timing was optimal. Reaching back she threw another pie at Kel. Boston Cream this time. As before the pie splattered against the force field surrounding Kel. The ferret was too groggy to notice. He should have been paying more attention, especially since the pie was right over his face.

A flash of green from the Split-Your-Own-Atoms level spot light flashed around the force field. While the field held off the radiation, the wooden stage wasn't so lucky. As the spotlight beam had been just larger than the radius of the field a thing line of nothing was soon supporting the floor on which Kel was standing. As anti-gravity was a technology not yet used in any context of the show the resulting crash was quite spectacular.

"Wha? How? Wazzgoinon?" A dizzy Kel was busy pulling himself out of the new hole in the stage when he was hit full in the face by Kayln's next pie. Banana Cream leaving a sticky trail down Kel's muzzle.

Cackling loudly Kayln reached for another pie when she was splattered by a glob of mashed potatoes thrown by one Kelaiah.

Seeing their reactions Kris, who had finally dusted himself off, yelled loudly. "FOOD FIGHT!!"

Rubbing her claws together Ara felt her grin finally come back. "Now this is more like it!"

Soon the entire crew and audience were sending squishy and sploshy food everywhere across the room. None were interesting the show topic anymore. Pies, cakes, French fries, burgers, deeper 'n ever pie, and all manner of food was soaring through the air. A few industrious moles had rigged a hose to the fountain pop machine and were spraying everyone with root beer, cola, and pink lemonade.

"See? You don't need a Sue or Stu to have fun," Rector told a sticky Kayln.

"Just as long as we get one next time," she said as she sent an apple pie flying in the direction of her sister.

"We'll see," said Rector as he upended a five gallon box of fruit punch concentrate on Kel's head.

A/N; _So that's what I mean by a bit different. I don't own anything to do with Warner Bros. characters, Harry Potter, Star Wars, or any other creatioins come up with by other authors. Still I hope you had fun reading this. I look forward to comments as always._


	5. Smart Stus?

A/N;_ It's baaack. Yes that's right _Everyone's Favorite Talk Show_ is back. Disclaimers will come at the end as usual._

5.

Smart Stus?

"Rector! Get back here now! You're dead you hear! DEAD!"

The shout suddenly broke through the peace that had fallen over the Green Room. A squirrel, otter, ferret, and a large badger all looked to the doorway to where the shout had come from. The ferret was about to get up and investigate when the door burst open and the mouse in question came running through grinning from ear to ear. He was followed very quickly by another squirrel who was quite livid.

"I can't believe you would actually do that!" Kris yelled.

"Aw come on, it was just a joke," Rector told him while still smiling.

"A joke!? You call jumping in the driver's seat of my car and pulling donuts in the parking lot a joke?"

Kalyn, Aelin, and Kelaiah were following the argument much as a crowd would follow a tennis rally. Meaning they were simultaneously looking from Kris to Rector as each one spoke. It was actually fairly well synchronized for being unchoreographed. Rector however had moved so the junk food laden table was between him and Kris.

"Sure," Rector said with a light tone. "It's not like I crashed it or anything."

"I was on the bloody running board!"

"Details. You didn't get hurt did you? The car is fine, you're fine, now here chow down on some Oreo's." Rector pushed a tray of the cookies at Kris.

Instead of being pacified Kris simply took advantage his being a squirrel and leapt over the table directly at Rector. The mouse however was ready for this eventuality. Ducking quickly he reached into his trusty Bag of Tricks. Kris landed on the floor near where Rector had ducked and quickly spun around to face the mouse. However before he could lunge at the mouse again he found himself being pelted by Nerf darts from Rector's trusty battery powered, belt fed, fully automatic Nerf Vulcan EBF-25 blaster. Rector quickly backed up as he fired a continuous stream of Nerf Sonic darts at Kris (always remembering not to aim for the face or eyes as per directions, don't go getting any ideas people). The assault had the effect of stunning Kris.

"What is that thing?" he asked once the 25 shot belt had fallen from the blaster.

"A Nerf machine gun," Rector said simply as he loaded another 25 shot belt.

"Why do you have a Nerf machine gun?" Kris asked, his temper slowly coming down.

He really shouldn't have asked that. "To do this," Rector said with an evil grin. And once again he pulled the trigger on the blaster and let fly with three darts a second at the squirrel. Soon the belt was empty. Kris saw a chance.

"Out of ammo Rector. Now what are you going to do?"

The grin didn't disappear off of Rector's face. "This," he said. He set down the Vulcan EBF-25 and reached into the Bag of Tricks once again this time pulling out the Nerf Longshot CS-6.

"Another one? You've got to be kidding me," Kris said.

"Nope," said Rector as he pulled the bolt back on the Nerf sniper rifle. Pushing the bolt forwards again loaded a dart into the chamber. A squeeze of the trigger sent the dart flying straight at the squirrel. Kris put his paws in front of him to ward off the darts. Soon the seven shot ammo clip was empty. Luckily for Rector the _other_ seven shot clip stored in the rifle's stock was full. Ejecting the empty clip was the work of a moment and putting in the new one took even less time. Seven Nerf Streamline darts shot out at Kris as quickly as Rector could manage the bolt action Nerf rifle. However soon the second clip was out of ammo too and Rector carefully put the blaster aside.

"Are you quite done yet?" Kris asked.

You'd think he would have learned by now not to ask questions like that. Rector just started giggling (never a good sign mind you) with a crazy look to his eye as he reached into the Bag of Tricks again. The yellow and black Nerf Recon CS-6 with red dot flashlight targeting light and flip up sights came swiftly out of the bag. This time Rector didn't fire right away.

"Do you really want to keep this up?" he asked Kris.

"That depends on how long you can keep pulling Nerf guns out of you bag," Kris said. "How many more do you have by the way?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Rector said having drawn a bead on the squirrel.

"Fine," Kris finally said after a short stare down. "I give up. And in hindsight it was a pretty good joke."

Rector was still grinning. "See? Told you so."

Kalyn, Aelin, and Kelaiah all finally got up from under the table where they had taken cover to avoid the flying Nerf darts. Security Badger Steve had just stayed where he was munching on his box of dog treats. The chaos that so often ruled the Green Room was of little concern to the rather slow badger.

"What was all that about?" Kalyn finally asked.

"Oh Rector thought it would be funny to steal my car and pull donuts," Kris told her.

"Yeah, we kinda got that part earlier," Aelin said as she brushed a Sonic dart off her tunic. "The real question is _why_ would Rector steal your car and pull donuts in the parking lot?"

Every eye, except Steve's, went to the mouse who was picking up Nerf darts and reloading them into clips or ammo belts. "It seemed like a good idea at the time," he said simply.

"Why did it seem like a good idea?" Kel asked.

"Well I was just sitting up in the light booth working on a few new improvements when Kris there wandered on in. For some reason the guy decided to sock me one in the arm. Well Man Law clearly states that such actions constitute a challenge from one man to another and the challenge must be met in an equal and opposite if not greater reaction. Well that's when Kris decided to laugh it off and run for the parking lot. Well his car was there with the engine running and he decided to hide on the driver's side. So I just hopped into the passenger's side, scooted over to the driver's side, and well I think you guys know what happened after that. Man Law cannot be broken."

"But they're not men," Kalyn whispered to her sister. "They're Redwall animals." The otter just shook her head and shrugged her shoulders.

Rector however had heard her. "_Male_ Law then, happy?"

"The guy is right," Kel said. "It's law number…umm…hold on a sec let me check." He quickly went over to the computer to look up the appropriate law. Soon he had the law's number. "Here it is. Number 126, 'Don't get mad, get even.'"

"They even number them? How many of these Male Laws are there?" Kalyn asked.

"130," Rector said with pride.

"So you had to blast Kris with Nerf guns?" Aelin asked.

"Yup. As the Law clearly states 'Don't get mad get even.'" Rector looked at the other two male creatures in the room who were clearly looking as if this was the most natural thing in the world. It was then that Rector got another evil grin on his face. "Male huddle," called as he grabbed his Bag of Tricks.

"This can't be good," Aelin said. She was right.

"FIRE!!" Rector shouted. Kris, Kel, and Rector broke from their huddle each with a Nerf gun and started blasting away at Kalyn and Aelin. The females shrieked in the shock of the sudden ambush. Kalyn quickly dug out her Ultimate Pocketknife and pulled out the shield feature.

"Hey! No fair!" Kalyn called out.

"Why?" asked Kel, who was probably enjoying himself a little too much at this point.

"Cause we don't have anything to shoot back with that's why!" the irate squirrel said.

"Good point," Rector said. "Cease fire!" The Nerf darts stopped as Rector dug into his Bag of Tricks again. "Defend yourselves," he said as he tossed Kalyn and Aelin two Nerf swords. Yes, you read that right Nerf swords. The females looked slightly stunned but only for a moment as the three males suddenly charged at them wielding their own Nerf swords. Soon all thoughts of animosity were forgotten as they each beating each other with the foam swords. So much so that they didn't notice the new arrival.

* * *

Human Kel; Hey wait a sec. you promised this would be a Kel-bashing free episode. What's the deal?

storiewriter; (to warrior4) You promised what!?

warrior4; (to storiewriter) It's the payment for that "Together" pic Kel drew for me on DeviantArt. (to Kel) The actual episode hasn't started yet and this doesn't count as you helped start it and it's a fair fight. Beside's you'd probably gripe if I left you out of a Nerf gun/sword battle.

Human Kel; Yeah you're probably right

* * *

"Holy Bergerac what's going on here?"

The other five looked up from their duels to see the newcomer. Rector was first to jump up from where he had been about to whack Kris upside the head with his sword. Tucking his sword into his belt he turned to the others who were also lowering their swords.

"Everyone if you haven't met her yet this is Kenzie Farsight. Newest member of the crew who will be helping Steve over there with Security."

The newcomer was a brown furred, brown eyed female rat. At her side she carried a light fencing saber with a basket hilt. In one paw she carried a long pole arm called a glaive. "Glad to be here," she said cheerfully. She would have continued to introduce herself but suddenly the Mary Sue Klaxon began going off.

**AAAAHHUUUGGAAHH! AAAAHHUUUGGAAHH!**

The six crewmembers rushed out of the Green Room to the lighting booth to see what the trouble was this time. As Rector powered up his screens the situation quickly became clear to the crew.

"I was wondering when this would happen," Aelin said.

"Seems to reason that it would happen eventually," said Rector. "Still this doesn't look like anything we haven't faced before. It could be fun."

"What's the Sparklypoo reading?" Kel asked.

"I'm getting a reading of low to moderate," Kris called out from his computer. "Most of the Sparklypoo is coming from the Stus and not from their surroundings."

Kalyn looked relieved. "We might not need the Gumby suits then. Which I wouldn't mind too much to be honest. Those things are really hot to wear."

"It's borderline," Rector said as he looked at the screen and then turned to Aelin. "If we got them into the Otherpaths would it help?"

The otter looked carefully at the screen before answering. "Possibly, but a few cans of Anti-Sparklypoo Spray would probably be a better idea for this situation."

Rector nodded. "Right, then here's what we'll do. We'll leave the Gumby suits behind but still wear the air tanks. No point in taking chances. Kel, if you would be so kind as to teleport us all to form a nice perimeter around the targets that way we'll be sure to get full coverage." The ferret nodded as he started inputting the commands into his Lazer. Rector turned to Kenzie. "It's a bit of a different situation this time. It's not kill on sight remember, we want to capture them to see what's going on."

"I can deal with that," she said.

"Everyone ready then?" Rector asked.

"Wait!" Kalyn cut in. "Where's Ara?"

Rector looked a bit downcast. "I don't know. I sent her a message but never heard back from her. I guess we'll just have to go without her."

Kel grumbled a bit at that. "I don't like it. It's like going in with one boot off. Just doesn't feel right."

"Oh relax," Kris told him. "Besides with Kenzie here now we're still at full strength.

Firefighter like air tanks were soon on and checked. Weapons were gathered and sheathed. Anti-Sparklypoo Spray cans were ready to spray at a moment's notice. In short the crew was ready to go.

"Here we go," proclaimed Kel as he punched in the commands on the Lazer. A shimmer of energy fell over the crew and the _Star Trek; The Next Generation_ transporter hum filled the air. Kel had upgraded again.

* * *

Mossflower Wood was surprisingly calm. Except for one clearing set away from any form of woodlander habitat that is. A gathering of several vermin creatures was milling around enjoying themselves immensely. Among them were Sneezewort, Lousewort, Blaggut, Dingeye, and Thura. The five creatures looked remarkably better and were better mannered than they had appeared in their respective books.

"Ah, this is the life isn't it?" Sneezewort asked a nearby Lousewort. Sneezewort was lounging in a hammock sipping a cold lemonade.

"Indeed you are correct good sir," said Lousewort as he looked up from his copy of _Advanced Thermodynamics. _Did you know that energy is conserved in any process involving a thermodynamic system and its surroundings?"

"Why yes I did in fact," Sneezewort answered. "I find it quite interesting. Almost as interesting as the change of momentum of a body is proportional to the impulse impressed on the body, and happens along the straight line on which that impulse is impressed."

"Can you two please be quiet?" Blaggut asked. "I'm on the verge of creating the Traveling Salesbeast Algorithm. Just give me a few more minutes and it'll be done."

At that point Dingeye and Thura walked up to the other three holding a newly completed symphony score. "Is there anymore of that lemonade?" Thura asked.

"Here you go," said Dingeye as he poured his comrade a glass and then one for himself. The two stoats clinked glasses together before sipping down the cool drink.

In the woods surrounding the five Stu-ified creatures the crew beasts were getting into position. Last minute radio checks were going back and forth.

"This is Kalyn, I'm in position."

"Aelin, ready to go."

"Kel here, all set."

"Kenzie's good to go."

"Rector, ready and able."

"This is Kris. You know it could be kinda fun to leave them like this. They do seem to be better for it."

"Rector to Kris, it might, but it would be going against the whole natural order of things. It's always better for canon characters to be how they were first written not how some Suethor wants them to be. Now are you ready to go?"

"Kris is in position."

"Right then, on my go," Rector said.

* * *

Human Kel: How come Rector is leading this mission?

warrior4; Cause he's the oldest and you get to stand on stage for the actual show.

* * *

"Go!"

The six crewmembers came out of hiding spraying their cans of Anti-Sparklypoo. The fiver vermin characters took the spray full force. At once their clothes became the more ragged togs they had worn in their respective books. Their mannerisms and intelligence also returned to their previous state. In a very short while they were all looking around very much wondering what had just happened.

"Oi mates! Vittles!" Blaggut had spotted the table of food and started digging in with gusto. The other four vermin were not far behind him. They started shoving as much food as they could into their muzzles not caring a jot about making a mess or proper table manners.

Kris was scanning the area with a portable Sparklypoo Detection Device. "All clear guys, we can lose the air masks."

Air tanks were dropped on the forest floor. Kel went up to where the five vermin were gorging themselves. "Feel better mates?"

Dingeye looked up at the ferret. "Well don' 'ee talk nice like? Go away young un'. Can't yer see we's gots vittles t'eat?"

Blaggut came to Kel's defense. "That 'taint no way to talk to a gen'lebeast. 'Ere now young un' pull up a stool and dig in wid me mates an' me."

Kel however had been in enough food fights that he wasn't ready to approach another food laden table anytime soon. After a few more failed attempts at conversation he just turned back to the other crew members.

"Just hit the button and let's get the show on the road," Aelin told him.

With a sigh Kel took out his Lazer and hit the appropriate button. As had happened before the background scenery was pulled away much like it was part of a large TV set to reveal the actual set of _Everyone's Favorite Talk Show_. The five vermin suddenly found themselves no longer eating but sitting on stage under the bright lights of the studio. The rest of the audience was quickly filing in as the crew took their places.

As the theme music ended the final audience members sat down and Kelaiah walked out on stage. "Welcome everybeast to another episode of _Everyone's Favorite Talk Show._ It's been a while since we've had a chance to get together but we're back. I'd like to introduce today's guests. First we have the former boatswain of the _Pearl Queen_, Blaggut. Next we have two pairs of creatures. The first pair are Sneezewort and Lousewort both formerly of the Rapscallion army. Second we have Dingeye and Thura, formerly of the Corpsemaker horde."

In the audience Cap'n Slipp, Damug Warfang, and Ferhago all growled a bit under their breath. Warlords as a general rule not liking deserters all that much.

Kel went on. "Not too long ago these five vermin had been acting rather strangely…"

"You mean more than they usually did?" Damug called out from the audience.

Kel glared at the Greatrat but went on. "Their mannerisms and sudden increase in intelligence…"

"What intelligence?" Slipp roared out.

Kel looked off stage. "Kenzie? If you please?"

The newest member of the crew was more than ready to get into the action. Grabbing one of the tazer spears she ran out into the audience and jabbed it at Slipp. Kenzie being somewhat new to this whole thing hadn't turned the voltage down. As soon as the twin prongs of the spear touched Slipp he jolted wildly with the electricity coursing through him. When Kenzie pulled the spear back Cap'n Slipp was sitting straight up and down with his fur sticking out at all angles. Over his head two spikes of fur had kept their charge and a neon sign that read 'Eat At Joe's' flashed on and off.

"Impressive," Kel muttered as Kenzie walked back to the stage wings. He then turned to the rest of the audience. Many of the woodlanders and quite a few of the vermin were laughing at Slipp's predicament. "Let that be a lesson to you all," he said. "Now moving on with the actual show. Lousewort, you don't normally sit around reading the Laws of Thermodynamics do you?"

The rat looked at Kel with a confused look on his face. "Er, er. The laws o' what?"

"This oaf couldn't read ter save 'is life. Ain't that right mate?" Sneezewort put on a proud face and slapped his companion on the back.

"Aye, that's right," Lousewort said proudly. Then the slow moving gears in his head registered what Sneezewort had said. "Hey hold on, what?"

The audience broke out laughing again. "I think we mighta gave the blighters a bit of a nasty bump, wouldn't you say ol' chap?" Midge Manycoats asked Tammo.

The Long Patrol Captain flopped his ears comically as hares do at times. "Jolly well struck sah."

Kel turned the volume up on his microphone to regain control of his audience. "Moving on. Dingeye and Thura, when you were found by the show crew you had just finished composing a symphony. Was that something you did in your spare time with the Corpsemakers?"

"Send them back to me, I'll make them sing." Muttered Ferhago as he played with one of his knives.

Luckily the two stoats on stage didn't hear the weasel. "Wot's a symptomy?" Dingeye asked.

"It's not symptomy. Yoo say it sympony. Like dat." Thura corrected his companion.

Dingeye shook his head. "No I'm sure it's called a sympaphy, mucker. Jus' like dat."

The two stoats began arguing on how to say the word. The end result was that the other two vermin on stage got into the scuffle and began a small brawl onstage. Kenzie rushed into restore order but her tazer was sent flying into the audience. Chugger and Gonflet grabbed the spear and went racing around the studio with a pack of Dibbuns on their trail zapping everybeast they could see.

In the lighting booth Rector sighed as the chaos built. "I'd hoped I wouldn't have to use these anymore," he said to himself. Nonetheless he swiftly nocked one of his custom Peace-Inducing Patriot Arrows to his bow and let fly. As the calming mist slowly floated down over the studio order was restored. Kenzie leapt up and tied the five vermin on stage to their chairs. Aelin and Kalyn quickly dashed next door to their store "Angry Mob Supplies" and got out some hockey board looking walls they quickly built to house the rough housing Dibbuns, much to the thanks of the parents and caregivers of said Dibbuns. Kel tried to get back with his point.

"As you can see these five were never the brightest of creatures. However when the crew found them they had obviously been turned into Cannon Smart-Stus. That is cannon characters that through the process of being turned into Stus were given much more intellect than they originally have."

* * *

Unbeknownst to the crew there were some new viewers to _Everyone's Favorite_. The shadowy creatures were taking down notes about everything they saw on the show. Especially when the crew had to quell yet another riot. By the time the show ended, this time without any Steve shaped holes in the walls, the creatures had some extensive notes.

"Soon," one of them said in a low voice. "Soon."

* * *

The crew had finally reached the end of their show and was sitting back in the Green Room relaxing.

"Well that was fun," Kenzie said.

"It was," agreed Kris. "A little less chaotic than usual, but that's a good thing at times I guess."

"And the episode is done right?" Kalyn asked.

"Has been for a while now. Why do ask?" Aelin told her.

"Oh no reason," she said a little too sweetly. She then lunged for Rector's Bag of Tricks and pulled out yet another Nerf gun. She cocked the Maverick REV – 6 and fired off two quick shots. The Sucker darts hit true right on Kelaiah's glasses. The crew was quite amused to see the ferret try to run after the cackling squirrel with two Nerf darts stuck on his glasses.

A/N; _Okay disclaimer time. I don't own the trademarks to anything Nerf even if I do own all of the Nerf guns mentioned this time. Yeah that's right I own four Nerf guns and a Nerf sword, they're fun. I also don't own anything to do with Star Trek. Anything that is another author's idea is of course theirs as well._

_A little different this time around I'll admit. But I and the rest of the crew will just have to see what we can do about that next time around. And in closing let me add Man Law Prevails!_


End file.
